There jokes

I read an article about the dangers of heavy drinking the other day, and it really scared me! So that's it...

Starting today, no more reading.

The doctor asked me how I'd feel about having an extra chromosome.

I told him I'd be 100% down with that.

Kamikaze

It's a dying art

I hate to admit it, but my wife's cooking has seriously improved.

......that was best slice of soup I've ever had!

What's a pirate's least favourite letter?

Dear Sir/Madam,

We are writing this letter to inform you that your account has been suspended for illegal downloading of copyrighted material

We should have a TV show where illegal immigrants hunt down sex offenders for a chance at citizenship

We can call it "Alien vs Predator"

‌‌I j‌‌ust d‌‌iscovered t‌‌hat t‌‌he w‌‌ord “‌‌nothing” i‌‌s a‌‌ p‌‌alindrome...

Backwards i‌‌t s‌‌pells “‌‌gnihton”, w‌‌hich a‌‌lso m‌‌eans n‌‌othing.

What do skid marks on the toilet bowl and girlfriends have in common?

They're both easy to piss off

I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago

Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.

Do you know why insulin has gotten so expensive?

Well, it’s not called Liveabetes, now is it?

Apparently I snore so loudly

It scared everyone in the car I was driving!

Did you know that during child birth there is a point where the lady experiences such excruciating pain that for a moment

She almost knows how bad it is to be a man who has the flu

What’s ET short for?

So he can fit in the spaceship

People tell me we should be preserving endangered species.

But you offer someone a jar of your pickled panda and they lose their shit.

A Woody Joke

What wood happen if you had a Wooden Car

With Wooden Seats

Wooden Tires

And A Wooden Engine?

It Wooden't Start

News from the sexual health clinic

A friend of mine received news from the sexual health clinic, he opened the letter and gleefully shouted "high five!". Relieved I took a look at the letter, dont know how I'm going to tell him that it's pronounced H.I.V

I will never forget my daughter's first words.

Where have you been for the last 12 years?

What do you call a pig with three eyes?

A piiig

Putin dies and goes to hell

After a while, he is given a day off for good behavior.

So he decides to visit Moscow, enters a bar, orders a drink, and asks the bartender:

-Is Crimea ours?

-Yes, it is.

-And the Donbas?

-Also ours.

-And Kyiv?

-We got that too.

Satisfied, Putin finishes his drink, and asks:

-Thanks, how much do I owe you?

-5 euros

Why did Trump hold his press conference at the 4-seasons garden centre, between a sex shop and a crematorium?

Because he was between a cock and a charred place.