A woman places an ad looking for a man to be her lover
The ad reads: "Looking for a man with 3 qualities: won’t beat me up, won’t run away from me, and is great in bed."
A few days later her doorbell rings. The man says, "Hi, I’m Dave. I have no arms so I won’t beat you, and no feet so I won’t run away."
"What makes you think you're great in bed?" the woman retorts.
Dave replies, "I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?"
A woman purchases an antique mirror...
in front of the mirror she playfully says " mirror mirror on the door, make my bust-line fourty four " and her breasts grew to enourmous proportions. She quickly ran to grab her husband and he decided to try it " mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!" and his legs fell off
Not enough people mentions Jesus' biggest miracle...
Having 12 close friends after age 30!
A man walks into a bar, and the second he does, the bartender tells him of a bet.
He says, "You see that meat on the ceiling? You have three tries to grab it. If you grab it within three tries, you get free drinks for life. If you don't, you've got to buy the whole bar a round."
The man contemplates for a while, but eventually answers. "Nah, I'll pass. The steaks are too high."
I got a new book about Japanese sex toy vending machines.
It's by Dick D. Spencer
I don't always roll a joint, but when I do
It's my ankle
Old people love
My grandma rubbed butter on granddad's feet when he was ill. He went downhill fast after that.
Three old women were sitting on a park bench...
...all of a sudden, a man ran in front of them wearing a long overcoat. He opened up his coat, and he was wearing nothing underneath. The first woman had a stroke. The second woman had a stroke. The third one couldn't reach.
What do you call children born in whorehouses?
Brothel sprouts.
I organized a threesome last night.
There were a couple of no shows, but I still had fun.
I thought of having a threesome
But then I realized that if I wanted to disappoint two people at one time I might as well have dinner with my parents
What's it called when a crab is walking to it's part time job?
A side hustle.
A homeless man asked me for money I had 20 dollars in my pocket and didn’t want it to just go towards crack and alcohol
So I gave it to the homeless man
A zombie is trying to get his kid to eat their dinner
"Eat your food, there's people in America with no brains at all"
What's the difference between an ER doctor and an editor?
One has patients with comas, the other has patience with commas.
What video game would Adolf Hitler play?
Mein Kraft
A little girl asks her mom, "Why am I getting my Christmas presents in August?"
Her mom replies, "Because it's cheaper than chemotherapy."
I was passionately kissing a Thai woman. I gently slid my hand up her thigh until I reached her panties, then I touched her crotch and I couldn't believe what I felt.
A vagina.
A man walks into the bar...
The bartender: "Hi Dave!"
The boss faints.
My wife asked me to get a Vladimir Putin tattoo.
When I got home she asked me about it excitedly.
I pulled down my trousers and showed her my crotch, where the word "Gigawatt" had been tattooed on my penis.
"What the fuck is that?" she yelled.
I said, "It's a prick with too much power."