An old man is at home on his death bed
When suddenly he smells something amazing. It's the smell of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. And with his last strength, he gets out of bed, and he goes to the kitchen, where his wife of 50 years, is cooking these beautiful chocolate chip cookies. And they are on a plate of four of them, just out of the oven. And with his last human strength, he reaches over to take one of the cookies, and his wife sees him, she rushes over, she slaps his hand, and she says, "No, they are for the funeral."
I had a dream I was drowning in an ocean of orange soda
Thank god it was only a Fanta sea
If you open a camp to help kids that have ADHD...
Does it count as a concentration camp?
My mom always told me I wouldn't accomplish anything by laying in bed all day
But look at me now, I'm saving the world.
My dad used to say "when one door closes another one opens"
He's a great man... Rubbish cabinet maker though.
Two cowboys are riding out when the spot an Indian laying down with his ear to the ground.
Approaching him, one Cowboy says “Look here. These Indians can track wagons from miles away. You there, what can you tell about the closest wagon train?”
The Indian says “Large Conestoga wagon, father, mother, three daughters, headed due west at around ten miles per hour”.
“Wow!” Exclaimed the cowboys in unison. “You can tell all that by listening to the ground?”
“Nuh-uh. Ran over me half an hour ago”.
I downloaded all the music to the movie Titanic.
It's syncing now.
I was walking by a car filled with bIack people and as I came near they locked the door. I felt like such a badass
Then I realized that it was my car..
How many vegetarians does it take to eat a cheeseburger?
One if nobody's looking.
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye.
Turns out she was seeing someone else the whole time
“Hey Descartes, I bet I can beat you in a footrace!”
“I think not!” Descartes replies.
And poof!
He instantly disappears.
I always wondered why a frisbee gets bigger as it gets closer.
And then it hit me.
My dad showed me a thirty minute PowerPoint on why one should always wear a condom
It was just pictures of me
2 nuns go for a bicycle ride around the Vatican.
The first nun says "I've never come this way before." The second nun says "yeah, must be the cobblestones."
What begins with “M” and ends in “arriage” and is a mans favorite thing?
A miscarriage
That Joke never gets old just like the baby
Whats the difference between Me and a Calendar ?
a Calendar has dates.
What's the grossest number?
6.9 because it's a 69 with a period in the middle.
Sex for Money
The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money costs less.
At the Dentist
Just at the moment when the dentist was leaning over towards his patient to start on her teeth, he was startled.
"Excuse Me,Miss, those are my balls that you are holding."
"I Know" She answered sweetly. "So let us be very careful not to hurt each other ... OK?"
I used to be so lonely, so I glued a coffee cup to the roof of my car
Now wherever I go, everyone waves to me
