A man walks into the store to buy condoms
Cashier: This is your third time buying condoms this week! What's your secret?
Man: what can I say, the ladies love me. In fact , Ive probably slept with every girl in this county except my sister and my mother.
Cashier: Huh. Well between the two of us we've got 'em all then!
Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me if I wanted to watch a movie.
She said, "What movie would you like to see?" I said, “You pick." She said, “You pick." I said, “I don't care. You pick." She said, “Sir, there are people waiting behind you waiting to buy tickets."
I have now stolen 56 copies of the board game "Risk" from local retailers.
When they eventually catch me, I'll say "Life is all about taking Risks."
My girlfriend and I have a complex relationship.
I'm the real part and she's the imaginary part.
I got gas today for $1.39.
Unfortunately it was at Taco Bell.
What does Big Foot keep time with?
His sasqwatch
What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?
Virgin Mobile
A police officer pulls over an elderly woman on the highway.
“Ma’am”, the officer says, “I clocked you at 22 mph. The minimum speed on the highway is 45 mph.”
“But I just saw a 20 mph speed limit sign,” the woman replies.
Chuckling, the officer explains to the woman that the sign she saw was for interstate 20.
He notices that the woman’s husband is pale as a ghost and visibly shaken. “What’s the matter with him?” he asks.
She answers, “We just got off of interstate 195.”
What do a pizza delivery guy and a gynecologist have in common?
They both can smell it but can't eat it.
What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years?
Church
As Epstein swayed back and forth, coming to grips with the inevitable, he reached out to give the guard one final high five...
But he just left him hanging.
Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers. She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in. She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says 'This is for the flowers!'
'Don't be silly,' says Paddy, ‘You must have a vase somewhere!'
You disturbed the first part of this funeral.
Just let us do the rest in peace.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field.
But hay, it’s in my jeans.
How do you get Trump to change a light bulb?
Tell him Obama put it in.
Back in the days of the USSR, two men stood in a block-long line for cucumbers...
Suddenly one of them snaps, and yells "This is an outrage! Waiting for hours for a couple of lousy cucumbers! I'm going to the Kremlin to assassinate the fools responsible for this!" and stomps off. A couple hours later, he's back. One of the other people in line asks "Did you kill the guy in the Kremlin?" The first guy responds "You think *this* line is long?"
If you were 8 years old when "Red, Red Wine" was released
UB40 now.
A guy goes to the store to buy condoms...
... He walks up to the lady at the register and says: "Give me a pack of condoms, please." The lady says: "Sure, do you need a grocery bag with that?" The guy looks at her and says: "No thank you, this time she isn't that ugly."
Son: Dad do you remember your first blowjob?
Dad: Ohhh yeah I do!
Son: How did it taste?
Dad: Get out.
My wife walked in on me masturbating to an optical illusion.
I said, "Honey, it's not what it looks like!"