There jokes

I hate it when guys call their girlfriends their "partner in crime". Like we get it dude she's underage

Two economists are walking in the park.

The first economist sees a pile of dog shit and says to the other, "I'll pay you $50 to eat that dog shit." So he does and gets paid $50. Later on, the second economist sees a pile of dog shit and says to the first, "I'll pay you $50 to eat that pile of dog shit." So he does and gets paid $50.

The first economist says, "I can't help but feel we just ate dog shit for nothing." "Nonsense," says the second economist, "We just contributed $100 to the economy."

I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control

I thought to myself... "Well this changes everything!"

Epileptic Santa

He seizures when you're sleeping.

I wish I could be a fossil.

Only then would someone dig me.

My boss fired me for making too many Asian jokes

It was the end of my Korea

How much room is needed for fungi to grow?

As mushroom as possible

I asked my girlfriend if I could make her mine. "Yes! Oh, yes!" she shouted, eyes filled with tears. "Great!" I said.

"Now take this pick and go find me some gold!"

I saw a roadside stand with a sign that said "Lobster Tails-$2". So I stopped in and paid my $2.

Then the proprietor says, "Once upon a time, there was this lobster..."

Why'd the chicken cross the road?

To show a deer how it's done.

My sisters and I met yesterday to discuss whether or not to bury or cremate our mother..

We couldn’t come to a decision between the two so we are letting her live for now.

Did you hear about the librarian that was killed in an earthquake?

She was crushed by a title wave.

I have a talent where I can see inside wrapped presents

It's a gift.

Trump and Putin are sitting in Putin's office discussing how powerful they are.

Putin says "Watch this." He picks up the phone and says something in Russian.

A beautiful woman walks in the room, kneels in front of Putin and begins giving him a blow job.

Minutes pass, and Putin finishes. He gives the woman a tap on the head, and she stands up and walks out of the room.

Looking back at Trump, Putin asks "Do you want to try?"

Trump replies "Yeah, but please dont tap me on the head when you're done."

How many men does it take to open a can of beer?

None. It should be open by the time she brings it to the couch.

Where do little jokes come from?

Well, a dad joke meets yo momma joke and then they knock knock.

What do you call a boy who finally stood up to his bullies?

An ambulance.

For anyone attending Stan Lee's funeral...

Make sure you stay after the ceremony is finished.

A charity worker stopped me in the street and asked me if I fancied taking part in a marathon

I was going to decline but he told me it was for disabled kids and children with severe learning difficulties.

I thought, fuck me, I might win this

A slice of pie costs $3.50 in Barbados,

$3.00 in Saint Lucia, $2.50 in Belize, and $2 in Cuba.

Those are the pie rates of the Caribbean.