Blind Man
A blind man walks into a department store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden he starts swinging the dog around in the air by its leash.
One of the store clerks run up to him and yells, "What are you doing!?"
The blind man replies," I'm just taking a look around."
What do you call a dog magician?
A labracadabrador.
A guy just finishes his lasik surgery and his surgeon leads him in his office to discuss the surgery...
The surgeon asks if he wants the good news or bad news first.
The man excitedly ~~replys~~ replies, "I'll take the good news first."
The surgeon tells him, "well you're about to get a new dog."
I need to Re-Home a small Dog.
It's a very small Terrier that tends to bark a lot. If you are interested.
Let me know and I will jump over my neighbors garden fence and get the fucker for you...........
My dog wouldn't stop chasing people on bikes.
In the end, I had to take his bike away.
A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog....
It's a Shitzu
My roommate keeps stealing my food so I ground up Pepper and made cupcakes with it.
Pepper was a dumb thing to name his dog anyway.
The police came to my house earlier and said my dog has chased someone on a bike.
I said, "You must be joking. My dog hasn't got a bike."
*(Reposted because I completely messed up the punchline in the original post, and have only just realised.)*
I've just opened a casino for dogs where they can play roulette, poker blackjack etc...
They'll have to go outside for craps though.
Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S.
One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.'
The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend.
"Which part did you get?"
I have a dog with no legs.
His name is Cigarette because I have to take him out for a drag.
I asked my dog what two minus two was...
He said nothing
Did you hear about the dog that can get a ball from over a mile away?
Seems a little far fetched to me.
A vacuum cleaner salesman came to my door, poured a bag of dog shit on my carpet and said, "Sir, if this vacuum can't clean it completely, I'll eat whatever's left."
I said, "I hope you're hungry 'cause they cut off the electricity this morning."
I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him.
I guess that's what I get for getting a pure bread dog.
A man had a portal to a secret world in his house
Every night he would step through the portal and leave his chatty wife, screaming kids and dirty dog behind. He would be completely alone and calm. But then his feet would cramp up and he had to wipe his ass and get back to reality.
Pavlov's dogs have started a charity for the holidays...
It's called "The Salivation Army"
Mark went for a walk in the park.
As he strolled up the path he heard someone shout, "Mark!"
He stopped and turned his head, and heard it again. "Mark!"
There was nobody around except for an old man on a bench with his dog, so he walked closer.
"Mark! Mark!" said the dog, tugging on its leash in the man's hands.
Mark was taken aback. "You.. you know my name?! ..and can ***talk***?"
"Oh?" the man lifted his head. "I'm sorry, she can't pronounce her B's".
My girlfriend's dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one.
It just made her more upset.
She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"
As a kid I was made to walk the plank.
We couldn't afford a dog.
I love taking my blind daughter out for a drive.
Every time I hit a speed bump, I tell her it was a dog.
I named my first dog "What".
Only now did I just realize why the guy on tech support was getting so angry when he repeatedly asked "What is the name of your first pet?" and I kept answering "Yes."
Police just knocked on my door and said my dog is chasing a kid on his bike.
What a liar, my dog doesn't even have a bike.
No dog owner talks to their pet in a normal voice
*No they don't, oh no they don't*
I entered my Chihuahua in an 'ugliest dog' contest and I won first place!
My dog came in third.