Top jokes

Two blondes are trying to unlock their car with a coat hanger.

One says, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top's down!"

What did the triceratops name her Blouse Making business?

Try Sarah's Tops

Make fun of Kim Kardashians baby name choice for 'North West' if you want...

But that child is going straight to the top...

And slightly to the left...

Little Johnny is walking down the street and sees a construction site building new houses

He has a look at what's going on and he's amazed and in awe of it all. He rushes home as fast as he can. He runs in and shouts ''Dad, dad, can we play builders?'' His dad says ''Sure Johnny''

Johnny runs to the top of the stairs and shouts ''Oi, get them bricks up here now you cunt''

An English soldier is captured by the French and is sentenced to execution

Unfortunately for him, screaming “mercy” at the top of his lungs only hastened the process.

A man went into a tattoo parlor and asked to have a fifty dollar bill tattooed on his dick. The tattoo artist said, “I’ve had some strange requests but this one tops the lot. Why in the hell would you want me to tattoo your prick a picture of a banknote?”

The man replied, “There are three reasons.

One, I love to play with my money.

Two, when I play with my money, I love to see it grow.

Three, and this is the most important of all, the next time my wife wants to blow fifty bucks, she won’t have to leave the house!”

An English joke

American, Frenchman, Englishman and Pakistani all on top of Eifel tower.

American throws aload of money over the edge. "What did you do that for?" the others ask. "We have so much money in the states that I can afford to."

The Frenchman throws loads of bottles of wine over the top and says "we have so much wine here that I can throw as much as I like over,"

The pakistani looks at the Englishman and says "DONT YOU FUCKING DARE!"

Difference between a cult and a religion

In a cult, there's a guy at the top that knows it's a scam.

In a religion, that guy is dead.

Two gay men are walking down the street. One of them is wearing a very flashy shirt.

A woman approaches and says, "oh my gosh, I love your top!"

The man replies, "thank you! I love him too!"

Superman is flying around the city, feeling horny as hell.

He suddenly spots Wonder Woman lying naked on top of a building with her legs spread apart.

He thinks, “This is my chance!” and swoops down faster than a speeding bullet, fucks her deep and hard and is gone in the blink of an eye.

Wonder Woman sits up and says, “What the hell was that?”

The Invisible Man rolls off her and says, “I have no idea but my fucking asshole hurts like hell!”

I bet the butcher the other day that he couldn’t reach the meat that was on the top shelf

He refused to take the bet, saying that the steaks were too high.

Superman is flying around the world when he sees WonderWoman tanning on the beach....

He notices that she's naked and spread eagle and has a thought.

Superman: I bet I could fly down there and have sex with her and fly away before she even knew it. So like a depraved bastard he does exactly that and hears a conversation as he flies away.

Wonderwoman: Did you feel that strong gust of wind just now?

Invisible Man: Yeah, and on top of that my ass is killing me.

A lady is standing on the top a ledge over a canyon

She’s about to jump when a homeless guy runs over and says ..

“I know what you’re about to do !”

“How would you like to have sex one last time before you go?”

The lady says, “Typical! You’re just like every other guy...

trying to talk me into having sex instead of jumping off this ledge!”

The guy gets fed up and walks away..

“Where you going ?” asks the lady?

“I’m just gonna go wait for you at the bottom...”

TIL The U.S is #18 in Mathematics worldwide.

At least we're in the top 10.

A man was trapped under a bench press

A man in the gym was at the bench press when the barbell fell on top of him. Despite them being strong, no one could lift the barbell off of him so the man that was trapped tells someone to call a therapist which they do. When the therapist arrives, he asks the man why he called him and the man says "I need to get something off my chest"

Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station

in a remote part of Ireland. Paddy, who knows nothing about golf, says "Top of the morning to you sir!"

Tiger nods and bends over to pick up the nozzle. As he does so two tees fall out of his pocket.

"What are those?"

Tiger replies, "These are called tees. They are for resting my balls on when I am driving."

"Fuck me" says Paddy, BMW think of everything!"

Almost no one knows what the initials T and S stand for in T.S. Eliot’s name.

It’s Top Secret.

The four seasons were arguing about which of them was the best.

Winter: Well you can build snowmen, and the snow is so beautiful. And Christmas!! Everyone loves Christmas!

Spring: Well sure but come springtime everything is so fresh and new! All the new flowers, it can't get much better than that!

Summer: yes but I am undoubtably the overall best season, girls in bikinis, ice cream, nice weather. You can't top that. What about you autumn what do you have to offer?

Autumn: * leaves *

Did you know? If you rest one of your testicles on the top of an empty beer bottle and hold a flame at the base....

eventually the testicle will be sucked inside!

If you did know this, please can you let me know how to reverse it?

**It’s quite urgent**

A farm worker greets Josef Stalin at his potato farm...

“Comrade Stalin, we have so many potatoes that, piled one on top of the other, they would reach all the way to God,” the farmer excitedly tells his leader.

“But God does not exist,” replies Stalin.

“Exactly,” says the farmer. “Neither do the potatoes.”