Not a joke but a real incident that happened to an indian acquaintance of mine when he moved to Australia for higher studies..
So he comes out of the airport and gets into the cab.
The Aussie cab driver asked where he is from ?
He replied 'India '.
The cab driver asked ' So did you come to die?'
He froze as it was the times when there were racial attacks by white Aussies on people of indian descent .
It was only few weeks later, he realised that the driver actually asked " Did you come today?'
2 baseball players had an argument on if there is baseball in heaven
They both decided that whoever died first will come back to tell the other if baseball exists in heaven.
Shortly after, friend 1 dies and comes back as promised, he says to friend 2:
“I’ve got good news and I’ve got bad news.
The good news is that there is baseball in heaven.
The bad news is that you’re scheduled to pitch next week.”
Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 15 children. After her first husband died, she remarried and had 15 more children. A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away. At Maria's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're finally together." Her sister sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her second husband?" The priest replied, "I mean her legs." -
Don't buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!
It says guaranteed whiteness in 14 days.
It's been 2 weeks and I'm still Asian.
A horse went into a pub every night for a week.
The barman asked "you've been in every day. Do you think you might be alcoholic? '
" I don't think I am" said the horse, then promptly vanishes from existence.
You see, this is a joke about Descartes' philosophy of "I think, therefore I am", but telling you that first would be putting Descartes before the horse.
My mother-in-law recently bought a talking parrot, but after a week she said she was taking it back.
"This parrot hasn't said anything!" she complained.
"I haven't had a fucking chance yet!" replied the parrot.
What are the strongest days of the week?
Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.
I hope England beats Iceland...
Or they will be out of Europe twice this week!
A man walks into the store to buy condoms
Cashier: This is your third time buying condoms this week! What's your secret?
Man: what can I say, the ladies love me. In fact , Ive probably slept with every girl in this county except my sister and my mother.
Cashier: Huh. Well between the two of us we've got 'em all then!
I've lost 7lbs this week.
Or as my girlfriend calls it, "the baby".
My mate Paddy called me last night.
He said, "My dog had nine puppies 12 weeks ago and now apparently they are worth £600 each."
"Fucking hell, mate." I said, "Drinks are on you then!"
He said, "I'm not selling them."
"Why not?" I asked.
"Well," he said, "If they're worth £600 each now, can you imagine what they'll be worth in 10 years?"
A researcher carrying out a phone survey on marital sex...
phoned one of the participants to check on a discrepancy. He asked the husband: "In response to the question on frequency of intercourse, you answered 'once a week,' but your wife answered 'several times a night.'"
"That's correct," said the husband. "And that's the way it's going to be until the mortgage is paid off."
Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: My dad is in the hospital
*1 week later*
Teacher: Is your dad still in the hospital?
Student: Yes, he is a doctor
My cousin died last week; he needed a blood transfusion, but we didn't know his blood type. He just kept saying, "B positive, B positive," but it's hard to be positive with him gone.
A king’s wife was often unfaithful to him.
The king, suspecting this, decided to find out for himself. While his wife was sleeping, he snuck in and taped a bunch of razor blades to her vagina.
A week later he ordered all the knights in his kingdom to stand before him.
He ordered them to all drop their pants.
They all had injured penises but one. The king went up to this knight and said, “thank you for being so loyal to me.”
The knight nodded, and replied, “Oh, ith nothing, thir.”
A man's car gets haunted by a ghost
So he decided to go to a priest to get it removed.
The priest performs the exorcism, and it works! He successfully removes the ghost from the car. He says to the man "That'll be $250." The man refuses to pay, and so a couple weeks later his car gets repossessed.
My dad fell into an upholstery machine last week.
He’s fully recovered now.
My job sent me to a sexual harassment seminar last week...
And now, I'm thinking I'm gonna be pretty good at it.
WAR BOARDER
A man in Amsterdam feels the need to confess, so he goes to his priest.
"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. During WWII, I hid a refugee in my attic."
"Well," answers the priest, "that's not a sin."'
"But I made him agree to pay me 20 guilders for every week he stayed."
"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."
"Oh, thank you, Father. That eases my mind. I have one more question."
"What is that, my son?"
"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"
I just found out that i have two weeks to live
My wife just went on vacation
