So a man is walking a penguin down the street on a lead. A policeman sees him and stops the man.
The policeman says, "what are you doing?! Take that penguin to the zoo!"
A week later, the policeman sees the man with the penguin again.
He says, "hey, I thought I told you to take that penguin to the zoo!"
The man replies: "I did! He loved it! We're going to the theme park tomorrow!"
What are the 3 stages of sex after marriage?
Tri-weekyl
Try Weekly
and
Try Weakly
A man goes to India for a cheap penis extension..
The surgeon suggests a baby elephants trunk stitched on for £3000. The man agrees. 6 weeks later, while having dinner with his new girlfriend he feels an unusual stirring in his pants and thinks this is the night. While chatting over dinner his cock flies out and steals an apple off the table and goes back into his pants. "Wow!", she says, "can you do that again?" He says,"My cock can, but I don't think my arsehole can take another apple."
A gamer dies and goes to hell...
After one week, the devil goes to God:
\- God?! What crazy person have you send me here? He destroyed all the cauldrons, killed all demons, running like crazy everywhere and yelling: "Where is the exit to LEVEL 2!!!"
I met someone online who shares my fetish for urinating on dried fruit...
Next week we're going to go on a date
Did you hear about the silence last week?
Neither did I.
Girlfriend said "I think I'm pregnant, I'm two weeks late..
..April fools!"
Getting on a plane . . .
. . . I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to LA, and send one to Miami."
She told me, "We can't do that!"
I told her, "Well you did it last week!"
- Henny Youngman
There are some eerie similarities between the assassinations of President Lincoln and Kennedy...
Lincoln was elected into Congress in 1846. JFK was elected into Congress in 1946.
Lincoln was elected President in 1860. JFK was elected President in 1960.
Lincoln had a secretary named Kennedy. Kennedy had a secretary named Lincoln.
A week before he died, Lincoln was in Monroe, Maryland. A week before he died, Kennedy was in Marilyn Monroe.
--- Credit goes to the play: The Complete History of America: Abridged
Last week Oxygen took potassium on a date and it was just OK
Then yesterday I saw Oxygen with a date with Magnesium and I was like OMg
How are Donald Trump and a jack o' lantern alike?
They're both orange on the outside, hollow on the inside and should be thrown out the first week of November.
An old woman decides to get a physical after a number of years.
While the doctor is examining her she mentions that over the years she has learned to fart silently and they never smell anymore. The doctor said "Ok, that's great", finishes up the exam, gives her a prescription and tells her to come back in a couple of weeks. When she returns, she complains that her farts now smell awful. "Good" he said. "Now that we've cleared out your sinuses let's work on your hearing."
Do you guys remember when I told you about my spine issue?
It was about a week back.
A Texan got accepted to Harvard
A week before classes started, he decided to tour the campus to see where everything was. After a while he got lost, so he went up to a professor and asked "Do you know where the library's at?"
The professor replies, "Sorry, here at Harvard we don't end our sentences with prepositions."
After a few seconds of thinking, the Texan asks, "Where's the library at, asshole?"
A week after the G7 Summit, they should have the C Major Summit
That would resolve everything.
They say to never go shopping for food when you're hungry
but it's been a week already and I keep getting hungrier and hungrier.
The Nintendo 64 turns 18 this week...
Which means you can now legally blow the cartridges.
My gay friend just came out a couple of weeks ago.
Now the whole world is telling them to go back and stay inside.
The man that invented throat lozenges died last week...
There was no coffin at the funeral.
I always wanted my life to be a meme.
Dead in a week
Not a joke but a real incident that happened to an indian acquaintance of mine when he moved to Australia for higher studies..
So he comes out of the airport and gets into the cab.
The Aussie cab driver asked where he is from ?
He replied 'India '.
The cab driver asked ' So did you come to die?'
He froze as it was the times when there were racial attacks by white Aussies on people of indian descent .
It was only few weeks later, he realised that the driver actually asked " Did you come today?'
2 baseball players had an argument on if there is baseball in heaven
They both decided that whoever died first will come back to tell the other if baseball exists in heaven.
Shortly after, friend 1 dies and comes back as promised, he says to friend 2: “I’ve got good news and I’ve got bad news. The good news is that there is baseball in heaven. The bad news is that you’re scheduled to pitch next week.”
Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 15 children. After her first husband died, she remarried and had 15 more children. A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away. At Maria's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're finally together." Her sister sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her second husband?" The priest replied, "I mean her legs." -
Don't buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!
It says guaranteed whiteness in 14 days.
It's been 2 weeks and I'm still Asian.
A horse went into a pub every night for a week.
The barman asked "you've been in every day. Do you think you might be alcoholic? ' " I don't think I am" said the horse, then promptly vanishes from existence. You see, this is a joke about Descartes' philosophy of "I think, therefore I am", but telling you that first would be putting Descartes before the horse.