An old man is at home on his death bed
When suddenly he smells something amazing. It's the smell of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. And with his last strength, he gets out of bed, and he goes to the kitchen, where his wife of 50 years, is cooking these beautiful chocolate chip cookies. And they are on a plate of four of them, just out of the oven. And with his last human strength, he reaches over to take one of the cookies, and his wife sees him, she rushes over, she slaps his hand, and she says, "No, they are for the funeral."
2 year old son spits on the floor.
Wife: We don't spit. If it's in your mouth you swallow it.
Husband raises eyebrows.
Wife: You shut up!
I’m sick of martial arts.
I have kung flu.
(Brought to you by my 8 year old)
What do you give someone who hasn't moved their muscles in over a year?
A trophy
An android phone and an iPhone meet after a year.
iPhone: What......the......fuck.....dude? You.....are.....infested.....with.....malware!!
Android Phone: Fuckers don't update me. But what happened to you? Why are speaking with a lag?
iPhone: Fuckers.....updated......me.
A man was arrested for telling a joke which called Vladimir Putin stupid.
He was tried and sentenced to 15 years and 3 months in a work camp.
When asked about the strangely specific sentence, the judge explained that he gave 3 months for insulting the president, and 15 years for divulging state secrets.
What's the difference between a guy dying on a cross and a cow?
You can't milk a cow for 2000 years.
Whats the difference between a drug dealer and a prostitute?
A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again....
To Generiquai and everybody reading this, I would just like you to know I obviously didn't make this up. Just remembered it from a few years back and thought it was funny. Whoever made it up I give you all the credit.
Thanks for checking it out!
I'm a 21-year-old multimillionaire. Here's how I did it.
1. I get up at 5:00 AM every day
2. I run for an hour before breakfast
3. Afterward, I take a cold shower to wake me up.
4. Journaling is key. You never know when you might need to remember something.
5. Always write down an appointment as soon as you get it.
6. My dad owns a Fortune 500 company.
7. I meditate every day
Wife was cleaning 12 year old son's bedroom
When she finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asks her husband "what should we do?"
Her husband says "I'm no expert, but i wouldn't fucking spank him".
My girlfriend just freaked me out...
she gave me a blow job but insisted on role playing as a 12 year old.Fucking weird and gross. I was like "You're going to be 12 in a couple of months, what's the rush?
What's the difference between Chris Brown and a Tesla Model S?
The Tesla gets fewer battery charges in a year
Every day as i walk to the bus stop I speak with a 93 year old man with alzheimers who sits on his rocking chair looking over his yard with a concerned expression.
He musters his strength and calls out to me "hey.. have y-you seen m-my wife?" And every day i have to tell him "I'm so sorry.. your wife has passed away 10 years ago". Ive considered not telling him but my mornings always feel better after I see the look of sheer joy on his face.
A man, his wife and his friend just finished diner
"It was absolutely delicious, honey! Thank you so much, princess." says the man to his wife in the kitchen. "Could you please fetch us two beers later, baby?"
His friend says: "It is very cute that you still have nicknames for her after so long time."
The man responds: "Well, I forgot her name like three years ago, so I give her nicknames to cover it up. But seriously don't tell her, amigo!"
I’ve been thinking about selling my theremin.
I haven’t touched it in years.
100 years ago everyone had a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich have horses.
The stables have turned
