An 84 year old man to his doctor: My 24 year old wife is pregnant. Your opinion doctor?
Doctor: Let me tell you a story:
There was once a man with an umbrella walking through a forested area. Suddenly a leopard jumped in front of him. Too scared to do anything, the man holds up his umbrella against the leopard and tries to shoot. A loud bang is heard and the leopard dies on the spot.
Old man: That's impossible, somebody else must have shot the leopard!
Doctor: Exactly my point!
Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?"
"Yes," replies the little girl.
"Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5.
The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"
The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!"
"Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the d*ck goes under the horse, not on top of it!"
Wife: Now that we've been married 20 years, how old do you think I look, honestly?
Husband: From your skin I'd say 28, from your hair 25, from your figure 29.
Wife: Oh, what a lovely thing to say.
Husband: Hang on, I haven't finished adding it up yet.
Met my school bully 10 years after I last saw him. He still takes my money today.
But on the other hand, he certainly knows how to make a decent sandwich.
On the bright side...
We can look forward to four more years of Michelle Obama speeches from our First Lady.
A six year old boy goes to work with his father on a bring your kid to work day.
After about 30 minutes of arriving the kid starts crying loudly, the whole office gathers around.
The father asks his kid “what’s the matter son?”
The kid replies “where are all the clowns that you say you work with?”
A 3 years old boy sits near a pregnant woman.
Boy: Why do you look so fat? Pregnant woman: I have a baby inside me. Boy: Is it a good baby? Pregnant woman: Yes, it is a very good baby. Boy: Then why did you eat it?!
My two year-old son told his first joke today. Afterwards, he burst out laughing for about 5 minutes straight saying 'I'm so funny' over and over again.
The joke. Son comes in carrying a soft toy, a cow.
Son: "Mummy Mummy cow is being noisy!"
Mummy: "How is cow being nois---"
Son: "Moooooooo!!!!" Then bursts into loud laughter.
Love this kid!
Two boys sitting to pee
Two five year old boys are sitting at the potty to pee.
When one says, " Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!"
" I've been circumcised." Says the second boy.
" What does that mean?"
"It means they cut the protective skin skin off the end."
" How old were you when it was cut off?"
" My mom said that I was two days old."
" Did it hurt?"
" You bet it hurt, I couldn't walk for a whole year!"
Two years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf
I haven’t heard from him since.
A child asked Santa Claus
“How did your reindeer get their names?”
Santa replied, “I named them after memories, like pranced frolicking through the snow!”
“What about Donner?” the child asked.
A shadow settled on Santa’s face, and after a moment he began: “The year was 1847, and snowfall had trapped us in the Sierra Nevada ....”
Why was the anti-vaxxer's 5 year old child crying?
Midlife crisis
The pretty teacher was concerned with
one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"
"I'm in love." the boy replied.
Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"
"With you!" he said.
"But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."
"Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a condom!"
So my girlfriend wants to roleplay as a 14 year old...
I told her "why bother? You'll be 14 in a few years anyway"
We had a trans friend come over for Christmas this year
He said he can’t wait to eat, drink and be Mary
Robert Pattinson is an awful vampire
It took him 11 years to figure out how to turn into a bat
When I was younger I wanted to play the guitar really badly
Now after years of hard work, practice, and determination, I can play the guitar really badly
I can prove getting kicked in the nuts hurts worse than childbirth.
No guy has ever gotten kicked in the nuts, and then a couple years later says, “You know, I’d like another one.”
A time traveler has traveled back in time to the year 1963.
However, he does not know the exact date. He sees a CIA agent nearby and asks him: "Is today before or after the JF-"
"Before"
The eyebrows agree that they deserve a raise.
They say to the man, "hey, we've done exactly what you've asked for years with little compensation. We deserve a raise!"
The man looked surprised.
The eyebrows said, "Thank you."