You jokes

Last year, kids were eating tide pods. This year, they're getting vaccines and picking up trash.

Seems that eating tide pods makes you smart!

My neighbour's 4-year-old has been learning Spanish since lockdown.

He still can't say "please" though, which I think is poor for four.

The swordfish doesn't have any natural predators to fear of ...

... except for the penfish, which is thought to be even mightier.

What is the difference between Hitler and Seabiscuit?

Seabiscuit could finish a race.

A horse walks into a triangular bar of dimensions X,Y, and Z, where X and Z are perpendicular. He asks the barman where the toilets are.

"Y, the long face."

A man goes into a job interview, and presents himself well.

The employer is shocked at how professional he is, "Wow, you have an incredible resume, and present yourself fantastically, but you seem to be missing 5 years on this part of your resume. What happened there?"

The man replied "Oh that's when I went to Yale."

The employer is even more impressed. "That's great, you're hired!"

The man is super happy and says "Yay, I got a yob!"

I'm great at sleeping...

In fact, I can do it with my eyes closed!

What kind of sneakers do kidnappers wear?

White Vans.

Your mama so ugly

Her blowjobs count as anal

Father’s Day Presents..

5 year old son.....after reading story of a king.....

Son:......Mom, I also want 3 wives.....one will cook, one will sing, one will bathe me.......

Mom:....And which one will put you to sleep

Son:..No mom, i will still sleep with you....Mom's eyes filled up with tears ... God bless you son

Mom:...but who will sleep with your 3 wives

Son:....Let them sleep with daddy...

Daddy's eyes filled up with tears... God bless you son !

*Happy Father’s Day!*

How do Germans turn lights off?

The offschwitz

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

You look for the fresh prints.

Rape in an elevator is wrong....

on so many levels

Never thought a foot doctor would help...

...now I stand corrected.

What does Al Gore play on his guitar?

Algorithm.

A cheese sandwich is better than complete happiness

Because nothing is better than complete happiness, and a cheese sandwich is better than nothing.

Monica Lewinsky walks into a cleaners....

with a dress and yells at the old owner who is hard of hearing

"I need to dry clean my dress"

The owner cups his hand next to his ear

"come again"

"No it's ketchup this time"

I asked my wife if i was the only one she's been with.

She said, "Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights".

Interviewer - Okay, describe yourself in 3 words

Lazy

What do you call an ugly dinosaur?

An eyesaur