You jokes

Why was Icarus afraid of Oedipus?

Because he was the motherfucking son.

I can't believe I got a life sentence for a little insider trading

The judge called it "organ harvesting", but that's just semantics

First dirty joke an adult ever told me, what's yours?

A pelican spots a frog in a marsh and swallows him whole. The pelican flies off and reaches a great height. Suddenly the frog pokes his head out of the pelicans butt and yells out to the pelican "Hey,how high are we right now?", the pelican replies "About 100 meters.", to which the frog nervously replies "Are you shitting me?"

I read an article about the dangers of heavy drinking the other day, and it really scared me! So that's it...

Starting today, no more reading.

The doctor asked me how I'd feel about having an extra chromosome.

I told him I'd be 100% down with that.

Kamikaze

It's a dying art

I hate to admit it, but my wife's cooking has seriously improved.

......that was best slice of soup I've ever had!

What's a pirate's least favourite letter?

Dear Sir/Madam,

We are writing this letter to inform you that your account has been suspended for illegal downloading of copyrighted material

We should have a TV show where illegal immigrants hunt down sex offenders for a chance at citizenship

We can call it "Alien vs Predator"

‌‌I j‌‌ust d‌‌iscovered t‌‌hat t‌‌he w‌‌ord “‌‌nothing” i‌‌s a‌‌ p‌‌alindrome...

Backwards i‌‌t s‌‌pells “‌‌gnihton”, w‌‌hich a‌‌lso m‌‌eans n‌‌othing.

What do skid marks on the toilet bowl and girlfriends have in common?

They're both easy to piss off

I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago

Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.

Do you know why insulin has gotten so expensive?

Well, it’s not called Liveabetes, now is it?

Apparently I snore so loudly

It scared everyone in the car I was driving!

Did you know that during child birth there is a point where the lady experiences such excruciating pain that for a moment

She almost knows how bad it is to be a man who has the flu

What’s ET short for?

So he can fit in the spaceship

People tell me we should be preserving endangered species.

But you offer someone a jar of your pickled panda and they lose their shit.

A Woody Joke

What wood happen if you had a Wooden Car

With Wooden Seats

Wooden Tires

And A Wooden Engine?

It Wooden't Start

News from the sexual health clinic

A friend of mine received news from the sexual health clinic, he opened the letter and gleefully shouted "high five!". Relieved I took a look at the letter, dont know how I'm going to tell him that it's pronounced H.I.V

I will never forget my daughter's first words.

Where have you been for the last 12 years?