I took the wife to a disco last night.....
There was a guy on the dance floor giving it large, breakdancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works.
My wife turned to me and said, "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."
I said, "Looks like he's still fucking celebrating!"
Husband and wife
A husband and wife were setting a password for their joint twitter account.
The husband types 'My Penis'
The wife dies laughing on the floor when it says 'Not long enough'
In honor of my dad, who passed away on Wednesday...here is his favorite joke.
Man finds the magic mirror (from Snow White) and gets excited to have his wish come true. So he chants: Magic Mirror on the Wall, make my penis touch the floor!
poof
His penis touches the floor.
His legs are also shorter. Way. Shorter.
A beer bottle, a mirror and a condom go to the pub.
The beer bottle thinks for a moment and says, “You know, if you break me, you get a years bad luck.” The mirror looks incredulous at this comment and says, “That’s nothing, if you break me you get 7 years bad luck.” The condom starts to laugh so hard he falls on the floor.
but I have a PhD...
"Here's a broom go and sweep the floors."
"But I have a PhD..."
"Oh sorry, give me the broom, I'll show you how its done."
A duck walks into a store
“Got any duct tape?”
The owner answers, “no, and get out of here, you dumb duck!”
The duck comes back in a little while later, wearing a fake mustache. “Got any duct tape?”
“NO! And get out, I won’t tell you again,” the owner shouts.
A while later, the duck comes back with a hat and glasses. “Got any duct tape?”
“No, you stupid duck!!! And if you ask me again, I’ll staple your beak to the floor!”
The duck pauses.
“Got any staples?”
“Err... no...”
“Got any duct tape?”
A drunk is in a bar, lying on the floor and looking the worse for wear. Other bar patrons decide to be good samaritans and to take him home. They pick him up off the floor, and drag him out the door. On the way to the car, he falls down three times. When they get to his house, they help him out of the car and he falls down four more times. Mission accomplished, they prop him against the door jam and ring the doorbell. "Here's your husband!" they exclaim proudly. "Where's his wheelchair?" asks the puzzled wife....
My wife left her bra on the floor of our bedroom. It almost killed me when I tripped over it this morning.
Stupid boobie traps.
My family loves to have dance parties. My dad will just play music from his iPod, and I'll go to the light switch and make a nice strobe light effect. Everyone loves it, especially my younger cousin. He gets down on the floor and starts breakdancing! It makes him so happy, and he needs that extra joy in his life, especially since the doctor recently diagnosed him with epilepsy.
I found my son hanging from a rope in his bedroom. On the floor was a note saying, "I can't stand the critism anymore." I quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and he started to breath....
As he lay in my arms, I saw his eyes slowly open and I said, "That's not how you spell criticism."
A state trooper pulls over a priest. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
A corporal needed to use the pay phone but didn't have change.
He saw a private mopping the floor nearby and asked, "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?" The private replied, "Sure, hang on." The corporal gave him an icy stare and yelled, "That's no way to address your superior! Straighten up and let's try that again! Private, do you have change for a dollar?"
The private stood at attention and boomed, "NO SIR!"
I just killed a huge spider crawling along the floor with my shoe...
I don’t care how big a spider is, no-one steals my shoe...
Stalin and Roosevelt were arguing over whose bodyguards were more loyal...
...and ordered them to jump out of the window on the fifteenth floor. Roosevelt's bodyguard flatly refused to jump, saying "I'm thinking about the future of my family." Stalin's bodyguard, however, jumped out of the window and fell to his death. Roosevelt was taken aback.
"Tell me, why did your man do that?" he asked.
Stalin lit his pipe and replied:
"He was thinking about the future of his family, too."
What do you call a quadriplegic laying on the floor?
Matt.
I heard the titanic got a new job...
She sells sea shells down by the sea floor.
I hear it's a pretty high pressure job.
A woman purchases an antique mirror...
in front of the mirror she playfully says " mirror mirror on the door, make my bust-line fourty four " and her breasts grew to enourmous proportions. She quickly ran to grab her husband and he decided to try it " mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!" and his legs fell off
An elderly man is having trouble keeping his balance on the bus
His cane is slipping on the floor. On every turn of the bus, he loses his balance and barely escapes danger of falling. So he starts looking around if someone will give him their seat.
A sitting rebellious type youngster patronizes him: "Hey old man, if you put some rubber on the tip of your cane, you wouldn't have this much trouble."
The old man replies: "Boy, I would be sitting down on this bus if only your father put on that rubber"
Magic Window
Two men are sitting in a bar. One says to the other, "That window is magic. To prove it, I'll jump out." He jumps, much to the other man's horror, and plummets 20 floors only to stop and float gently back up. "Amazing, huh? Why don't you try?" The other man is dubious, but eventually decides to jump. He plummets 30 floors and smacks into the pavement. The first man is in hysterics. "You know," says the bartender, "you're a real prick when you're drunk, Superman."
I came home and found my books all over the floor
There's nobody to blame but my shelf.
Why did Joseph have to sweep the stable floor?
Because there was no Roomba at the inn.
As a father I’ve learned how important it is to have a pet in your home while raising children.
Not because it teaches kids responsibility or anything but because it makes asking who shit on the floor a lot less awkward.
A woman falls off of a ten story building...
...and a man on an eighth floor balcony reaches out and catches her in his arms.
"Do you fuck?", he asks.
"No!". she replied, and the man drops her.
On the sixth floor a man catches her and asks, "Do you suck?"
Again she says no and the man drops her.
On the fourth floor a man catches her and she immediately yells, "I FUCK! I SUCK!"
The man looks disgusted. "Slut!" and he drops her.
Einstein, Newton and Pascal play hide and seek...
One day, Einstein, Newton, and Pascal meet up and decide to play a game of hide and seek. Einstein volunteered to be “It.” As Einstein counted, eyes closed, to 100, Pascal ran away and hid, but Newton stood right in front of Einstein and drew a one meter by one meter square on the floor around himself. When Einstein opened his eyes, he immediately saw Newton and said “I found you Newton,” but Newton replied, “No, you found one Newton per square meter. You found Pascal!”.
2 year old son spits on the floor.
Wife: We don't spit. If it's in your mouth you swallow it. Husband raises eyebrows. Wife: You shut up!