At 18 a woman is like Africa, wild and untamed.
At 28 a woman is like Asia, exotic and beautiful.
At 38 a woman is like America, flourishing and in the prime of life.
At 48 a woman is like Europe, exhausted but still has points of interest.
At 58 a woman is like Australia, everyone knows it's down there but nobody gives a damn.
I managed to shoot my very first turkey today, pretty proud of myself actually..
..though everyone else in the freezer section seemed a bit unhappy.
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night, and she said, “If you lost a few pounds, had a shave, and got your haircut, you’d look alright.” I said, “If I did that, I’d be talking to your friends over there instead of you.”
Whats the best thing about being a meth addict?
Only two more sleeps until christmas.
Albert Einstein was running 20 minutes late as a guest speaker at a science conference.
He finally arrived apologizing profusely.
Einstein: "I am so terribly sorry you all had to wait. Anyway, here's my presentation."
Host: "It's about time."
Einstein: "And space!"
Its disgusting how often women are subjected to sexism in todays society...
One of my feminist friends managed to get herself a new job recently, and literally the first thing her misogynist pig boss asked her to do was to make him a sandwich! Naturally my friend took a stand and quit on the spot, she's even talking about boycotting the entire company.
Fucking Subway...
How do prostitutes get paid?
Income
Why did the PowerPoint presentation cross the road?
To get to the other slide
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection.
Judge: “First offender?”
Lady: “No first a Gibson, then a Fender.”
It's all shits and giggles...
...until someone giggles and shits.
A woman falls off of a ten story building...
...and a man on an eighth floor balcony reaches out and catches her in his arms.
"Do you fuck?", he asks.
"No!". she replied, and the man drops her.
On the sixth floor a man catches her and asks, "Do you suck?"
Again she says no and the man drops her.
On the fourth floor a man catches her and she immediately yells, "I FUCK! I SUCK!"
The man looks disgusted. "Slut!" and he drops her.
I just downloaded the Bohemian Rhapsody movie.
I think it was filmed in a movie theater, though - I see a little silhouetto of a man.
My friend said to me what rhymes with orange
No. It doesn't.
What's the most popular pub in the Middle East?
The Allahu ak-Bar
NSFW Nearly humped a ladyboy
In Thailand and man it was so close, she looked like a lady, walked like a lady, talked like a lady, kissed like a lady.. It was only when she drove me home and reversed perfectly into my drive 1st time, I thought to myself, "hang on a fuckin minute"!
Pain.
Two young boys are waiting for their surgery...
“What operation are you having done?”
“Getting my tonsils out, what about you?”
“Circumcision”
“Oh that’s bad, I had that done when I was born and I couldn’t walk for a year”
My parents are always telling me that their world doesn't revolve around me
So....I guess that means that I'm not actually their sun :(
It's so hot outside that I almost called my ex.
So I could be around something shady.
Scooby Doo is a procrastinator.
I've never heard him say, "Scooby Dooby Done!"
Why shouldn't you smoke weed during a thunder storm?
Because lightning strikes the highest object.