You jokes

Why can’t T-rexes clap?

Cause they’re extinct

What did the Mexican say when the two houses fell on him?

Get off me, homes.

An Atheist and a Christian walk into a bar...

...they proceed to have a few drinks and enjoy each others company because they're not pretentious assholes

What did Piccolo say to Frieza?

Find out next time on Dragon Ball Z.

In another 3029 years, there’s a chance that things will either be really good or really bad.

It’s 5050

An old woman reaches the end of her life..

A very old woman realizes that she's seen and done everything and the time has come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she decides to shoot herself through the heart.

Not wanting to make a mistake, she phones her doctor and asks him the exact location of the heart. He tells her that the heart is located two inches below the left nipple.

The old woman hangs up the phone, takes careful aim and shoots herself in the left knee.

I’ve always wanted a swimmers body so I go to the swimming pool everyday...

But no one ever drowns

Four kids walk into an interview. One is American, one is British, one is African, and one is Chinese. The interviewer asks them all the same question: "In your own opinion, what do you think of the scarcity of food in other countries?" The British kid asks "What is scarcity?" The American kid asks "What are other countries?" The African kid asks "What is food?" And the Chinese kid asks "What is my own opinion?"

Bernie said he's going to legalize marijuana on his first day in the Whitehouse

On his second day he'll legalize it everywhere else.

Why are Fish easy to weigh?

Because they have their own scales.

My dad always tells me he never makes the same mistake twice.

That's why I am the only child.

Not bragging, but I made six figures last year,

so they named me the year's worst employee at the toy factory.

What did Roger Stone say when he bumped into Donald Trump?

Pardon me.

When a statistician passes the airport security check, they discover a bomb in his bag. He explains. "Statistics shows that the probability of a bomb being on an airplane is 1/1000. However, the chance that there are two bombs at one plane is 1/1000000. So, I am much safer..."

I gave that movie 3.14 stars!

Cause I pi-rated it.

When is D-Day?

Everyday when you are stuttering.

If I had the power of invisibility,

I would end every argument by disappearing and saying "have I made myself clear?"

What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with a Hell's Angel?

Someone who knocks on your door and tells *you* to fuck off.

Why do Scottish men wear kilts?

Because sheep can hear zippers.

I was offered sex from a 21 year old woman...

In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person of high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon and vanilla.