You jokes

What's the difference between a prostitute and a drug dealer?

The prostitute can sell the same crack over and over.

When I get naked in the bathroom

the shower usually gets turned on.

Einstein, Newton and Pascal play hide and seek...

One day, Einstein, Newton, and Pascal meet up and decide to play a game of hide and seek. Einstein volunteered to be “It.” As Einstein counted, eyes closed, to 100, Pascal ran away and hid, but Newton stood right in front of Einstein and drew a one meter by one meter square on the floor around himself. When Einstein opened his eyes, he immediately saw Newton and said “I found you Newton,” but Newton replied, “No, you found one Newton per square meter. You found Pascal!”.

My girlfriend was shouting “Give it to me now! I’m so fucking wet!”

I simply told her “This umbrella is mine. Go get your own.”

Where is my wife

A young man and an old man bumped shopping carts at the grocery store. Young man: I am sorry. I wasn't watching where I was going. I was looking for my wife. Old man : Sorry. I was also looking for my wife. Young man: Well maybe we can look together. My wife is 24. She is 5'2". She has short black hair. She is wearing a pink tube top and blue Jeans. What does your wife look like? Old man: It doesn't matter. Lets look for yours.

I'm a screenwriter and I just signed an amazing 2-year deal with the parent company of Universal Pictures!

I'm going to be getting the basic cable plus HBO.

Thank god for nipples

Without it, boobs would be pointless.

How is Santa like Bill Cosby?

Neither will come if you're awake.

What do you call a fake gun?

A JK-47

Does anyone else realize that baseball is actually illegal?

Hit and run is a felony.

A father bought a lie detector which hit people when they lied.

His young son said, “I have no naughty books!”

The machine quickly hit him.

His father saw that and scolded his son, “When I was your age, I didn’t have such books!”

The machine quickly hit him.

The mother saw what happened and laughed and said, “Oh, you are truly father and son!”

The machine quickly hit her.

Why are city-dwelling gnomes very good at keeping time?

Because they are metrognomes.

What do you call an elephant who doesn't matter?

An irrelephant

What did the horny hen say?

Any cock’ll doodle do!!

*courtesy of my 62 year old roommate*

An old man is at home on his death bed

When suddenly he smells something amazing. It's the smell of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. And with his last strength, he gets out of bed, and he goes to the kitchen, where his wife of 50 years, is cooking these beautiful chocolate chip cookies. And they are on a plate of four of them, just out of the oven. And with his last human strength, he reaches over to take one of the cookies, and his wife sees him, she rushes over, she slaps his hand, and she says, "No, they are for the funeral."

I had a dream I was drowning in an ocean of orange soda

Thank god it was only a Fanta sea

If you open a camp to help kids that have ADHD...

Does it count as a concentration camp?

My mom always told me I wouldn't accomplish anything by laying in bed all day

But look at me now, I'm saving the world.

My dad used to say "when one door closes another one opens"

He's a great man... Rubbish cabinet maker though.

Two cowboys are riding out when the spot an Indian laying down with his ear to the ground.

Approaching him, one Cowboy says “Look here. These Indians can track wagons from miles away. You there, what can you tell about the closest wagon train?”

The Indian says “Large Conestoga wagon, father, mother, three daughters, headed due west at around ten miles per hour”.

“Wow!” Exclaimed the cowboys in unison. “You can tell all that by listening to the ground?”

“Nuh-uh. Ran over me half an hour ago”.