You jokes

Scientists have reached the conclusion that the owl has the most acute sense of hearing

They clearly haven't experimented on men browsing porn while their wives are asleep.

What do you call a French prostitute in Pakistan?

Lahore

There once was a pebble and she was very shy

so she wanted to be, a little bolder!

Reading all these jokes makes me go numb...

But reading mathematics-related jokes makes me go number

I asked my mom "how many is a couple?" She said, "two or three."

That would explain why her marriage collapsed.

Why did the walrus go to the Tupperware party

He was looking for a tight seal

I like my women how I like my computer.

On my lap. Turned on. Virus free.

I’ve got no home, I haven’t got control, and I can’t see any escape.

I should get a new keyboard.

Why was the nun hooked up to an IV of holy water?

She was taking god's name in vein.

I was riding the bus when I got tapped on the shoulder...

An old lady says to me, “Would you like a nut?”

I chuckled and said, “Sure, thanks.”

A couple of minutes after eating the nut, another tap on the shoulder. “Would you like another nut?”

Well, after eating a couple more nuts from the old gal I finally turned around and asked her, “Why do you have nuts if you keep giving them to me?”

She replied, “I only like the chocolate around them.”

A Jake Paul fan walked into a bar

and got kicked out for being 10.

You know Apple is run by men...

When they call it an iPhone 6+ and its only 5.5 inches.

What do you call a Blonde doing a handstand? NSFW

A Brunette with bad breath.

What do you call a little boy who’s half French and half Scottish?

A oui lad

Doctor, doctor . . . All five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!

Doctor: Sounds like a really bad case of parking sons disease.

What did the scarf say to the hat?

I’m just gonna hang around here.. you go on ahead.

An insolent teenager stomps off to her room...

Teenager: "And another thing - JIM MORRISON SUCKS!"

Dad: "Hey! There'll be no slamming of the Doors in this house!"

"Plagiarism squad reporting for duty sir!"

"Copy that"

Penguin blowjob

I asked a prostitute for sex but she refused because I only had $5. She instead offered me a 'penguin blowjob'. I had no idea what it was but thought for $5, that was a pretty good deal.

She took off my belt and lowered my trousers and underpants to my ankles and began sucking. As things were heating up, she stopped, turned around and started walking away. I ran after her with my trousers and underpants still around my ankles, pleading for her to finish

If I was a serial killer my name would be "The Suspence"

So my victims would be like "oh no, the suspense is killing me"

And then we would both laugh right before I kill them.