She jokes

I asked the doctor doing my prostate exam where I should put my pants. "Next to mine" was not the answer I was expecting.

Double standards: Burning a body at a crematorium is praised; doing it at home is seen as destroying evidence.

When you hit a speed bump in a school zone and remember, there are no speed bumps.

My fondest childhood memory was building sandcastles with my grandfather, that is until my mom took the urn away from me.

To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope you're happy now.

Mickey and Minnie are getting a divorce. The divorce lawyer says to Mickey: "Mickey, you can't divorce Minnie because she is crazy." Mickey responds: "I'm not divorcing her because she's crazy, I'm divorcing her because she's Goofy."

"One man's trash is another man's treasure." A great saying, but a terrible way to find out you're adopted.

"My husband is such a pig. All I asked for was $100 for the beauty salon..."

"He took a long look at me and gave me $300"

A guy gets a call from his Doctor...

The Doctor says "I have your test results back. I've got bad news and worse news."

The guy says "What's the bad news?"

The Doctor says "You have 24 hours to live."

The guy says "That's terrible! What could be worse than that?"

The Doctor says "I forgot to call you yesterday."

Hey, are you suicide? Because I want to do you!

My wife of 15 years has just told me she has been faking her orgasms every time we've had sex.

I can't believe she lied to me, not once, but twice.

A man comes to a carpet store and says:

“I need a rug.”

“Why so gloomy, pal? Are you going to wrap a body in it, eh?”

“I need two rugs.”

Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.

New Teacher: I was an orphan as a kid.

Students: OOF

Teacher: Is anyone missing?

Students: Your parents.

Why are priests called father? Because it's too suspicious to call them daddy.

A condom and bungee jumping are exactly alike. If the rubber breaks, you're in trouble.

Little Johnny was sitting in class behind a girl called Sally. The teacher asks the class, "Who created the Earth?" Little Johnny pokes Sally in the back with his sharpened pencil, and she jumps and says, "MY GOD!" The teacher says, "Yes, Sally, God did create the Earth." Sally sits down. The teacher then asks, "Where do you go after you live a good life?" Little Johnny pokes Sally again, and she jumps up and says, "HEAVENS TO BETSY!" The teacher says, "Yes, Sally. You will go to heaven after you live a good life." Sally sits down, knowing full well Little Johnny was poking her. Sally gives Little Johnny an angry glare, turns around, and then, the teacher asks, "What did Eve say to Adam after their 77th child?" Little Johnny pokes Sally HARDER this time, and Sally jumps, turns around, and says, "If you stick that thing in me one more time, I swear I'm gonna lose it!" And the teacher faints.

Why are orphans so bad at dodgeball? Because no one misses them.

Sometimes I get jealous when my phone dies.

My family is like a treasure... You need a map and a shovel to find them.