Jokes

Why is Kim Jong Un so ruthless?

Because he has no Seoul.

Marital expectations

Two women were out walking in the city. Suddenly one of them spots her husband across the street. She points at him and says ”Look, it’s Jim, and he’s got a big bouquet of flowers that he’ll come home with tonight. Damn, that means I’ll have to lay on my back, spread eagle all night.” Both women shake their heads and walk on.

After walking silently a little while the other woman looks at first one with a slightly concerned face. ”Not that it’s any of my business, but wouldn’t it be more practical to get a vase?”

I walked into a bookstore

Me: "Do you have any books on turtles?"

Worker: "Hardback?"

Me: "Yeah, with little heads."

A man is stranded on a dessert island

and it was delicious.

Personal Question

On Valentine's Day a shy but drunk young man walked up to a beautiful young woman in a bar and said "Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?" "Yes, I do," she replied, "but go ahead since I'm sure you're going to ask anyway." "Okay," he said. "How many men have you slept with?" "That's my business!" she snapped. "Oh cool!" he said. "How much?"

Why didn’t the antivaxx kid get any upvotes.

Because he died in new.

My girlfriend wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food in front of you

So I took her to Subway

Boy: "I got an F in arithmetic."

Father: "Why?"

Boy: "The teacher asked 'How much is 2×3?' and I said '6'"

Father: "But that's right!"

Boy: "Then she asked me 'How much is 3×2?'"

Father: "What's the fucking difference?"

Boy: "That's exactly what I said!"

What do you call unemployed Bob the builder?

Bob

What do you call a bunch of hedge funds that already lost $70 B shorting stocks?

A good start. HOLD the LINE.

It's a healthy relationship

My wife told me that she wanted to give me a deepthroat blowjob today.

"Really!" I exclaimed.

"No," She said, "April Foogargagggrraggggle."

That'll teach her to try and be funny...

I hate circles.

They're pointless.

If you put a photo of yourself in a pendant what does that make you?

Independent

Where do dogs go when their tail falls off?

The retail store

Cutest joke ever

What does a red grape tell a purple grape? Breathe, you idiot! Breathe!!

If you ever feel like your job is meaningless, remember

there is someone who is currently installing the turn signal at BMW.

The doctor told me the only chance my wife in a coma had of coming to was by performing oral sex. I tried for 15 minutes...

But she just choked the whole time.

He who lives by the sword, shall die by the sword" said Jesus

The carpenter who was nailed to some wood

##

I was going to tell a gay joke

Butt fuck it

My next door neighbour just knocked on my door with her dinner in her hands.

With Facebook and Instagram down she wanted me to see what she was having