Something

I wish my girlfriend wasn't so obsessed about her breast size. Even a trip to the car dealership became embarrassing.

She told the guy she wanted something that'll get her from A to B.

I reckon I could have won something at the youth olympics

If it wasn't for all those medalling kids

None of you actually know what a propaganda is, do you?

It’s when a British person takes a good look at something

A woman goes to her Gynecologist. "What seems to be the problem?" asked the doctor.

Woman: "Something is terribly wrong. I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my Vagina." The Doctor had a look, chuckled and said, "Those Aren't postage stamps my dear, they're the stickers off the bananas."

My mate set me up on a blind date.

He said, "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know... She's expecting a baby."

I felt like a right idiot waiting in the pub wearing nothing but a nappy!

My girlfriend told me to get something to make her look sexy for her birthday.

So I bought myself a 12 pack.

I often wonder if my Thai girlfriend is actually a ladyboy...

Something inside me says, yes.

My marriage counselor asked me to think of something me and my wife have in common....

I said, "Well, we both refuse to suck dick."

So my 6yo tells me a joke

What did one eye say to the other? Between you and me something smells!

My wife says that I only have 2 major faults

I don't listen, and something else

I wanted to volunteer and do something good this holiday season...

So I helped these dyslexic kids write letters to Satan.

My friend went on holiday to Havana...

...and asked me what gift I would like him to get for me. I said get me "something Cuban", but he got me a Che Guevara t shirt.

Clothes, but no cigar.

They said "Find something you love to do and you will never work a day in your life"

They are darn right, that field isn't hiring!

There's something crazy I really want to try in bed..

Getting 8 hours of sleep

Man: "Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please"

Waitress: *slaps his face*

"The men I please are none of your damn business!"

I saw a guy at the flower store. He was trying to pick the perfect bouquet for his wife. He said “It’s crazy how much money you gotta spend on something that’s just going to die.”

I said “I know... And you gotta buy them flowers...”

**I was talking to my girlfriend the other day about reincarnation.**

She asked "what actually is reincarnation?"

I said to her, "well, its when you die and come back as something completely different."

"So, I could come back as a pig?!" she exclaimed!!

I said, "you"re not listening are you.....?

Fishing secret

A guy is out ice fishing and he hasn't had a bite in hours, but the fellow next to him is pulling in fish after fish. Exasperated, the man finally approached the successful fisherman to find his secret. "What's your secret buddy, I mean you've been pulling in fish left and right all day long." "Ooo gahh takee darmns orm" the guy says. "What??" "Ooo gahh takee darmns orm" "I’m sorry, I just can't understand you." "Oh...," he says and spits something in his hand. "You've got to keep the worms warm."

A man was in bed with his Thai girlfriend.

After having great sex, she spent the next hour just stroking his penis, something she had lovingly done on many occasions.

Rather enjoying it, he turns and asked her, "Why do you love doing that?"

She replied: "Because I really miss mine".

What's a word that starts with an N ends in an R, and is something you never want to call a black person?

Neighbour

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall...

The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

"You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

"Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

Interesting crowd. Nsfw

A zoophiliac a necrophiliac a pyromaniac and a masochist are trying to find something to do.

First the zoophiliac says; -"let's find a cat and we can rape him", to which the necrophiliac responds; -"yes then we can kill it and rape him again", then the pyromaniac says; -"yes then we can burn him"

And finally the masochist says; - "meow".

A man walks into a bar, takes a seat, and asks the bartender if he wanted to hear a blonde joke. The bartender replies, "Before you tell this joke, I want to tell you something. See the woman over there? She is a black belt in karate, she's blonde. See the bouncer over there? He is also a blonde. See the chick over there with that pool cue? She is also blonde. Also, I have a shotgun behind the bar, and I'm blonde. So, do you still want to tell your joke?" He replies, "Forget that! I ain't explaining the joke four times."

What's the difference between Stephen Hawking and the Statue of Liberty? The statue stands for something.

I try to teach my mom something new every day.

They say you're supposed to learn from your mistakes