Jokes

How does Hitler tie his shoes?

In little knotsies

My graphing calculator works really well...

Some would say it functions perfectly.

A man sends 10 puns to a pun contest in hopes that at least one of them would be selected as the winning entry

No pun in ten did.

What's the difference between a 4 year girl and a 40 year old woman?

A 4 year old's favourite toy is a rubber body without any genitals. A 40 year old's favourite toy is a rubber genital without any body.

Two CSS properties walk into a bar.

A barstool in a completely different bar falls over.

The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar...

It was in tense.

What's the difference between a vegan and a straight male submissive?

A vegan craves umami. A male sub craves "ooh mommy".

What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches?

A nervous wreck

Kid's know far too much these days...

This morning, while in the doctors waiting room, I saw a little girl playing with her Barbie and Ken dolls imitating the doggy position. I bent down and told her, "you'll end up with little baby dolls if you keep doing that." She replied, "I don't think so, he's doing her up the ass"

Your mom is so slow

It took her nine months to make a joke

Scientists have reached the conclusion that the owl has the most acute sense of hearing

They clearly haven't experimented on men browsing porn while their wives are asleep.

What do you call a French prostitute in Pakistan?

Lahore

There once was a pebble and she was very shy

so she wanted to be, a little bolder!

Reading all these jokes makes me go numb...

But reading mathematics-related jokes makes me go number

I asked my mom "how many is a couple?" She said, "two or three."

That would explain why her marriage collapsed.

Why did the walrus go to the Tupperware party

He was looking for a tight seal

I like my women how I like my computer.

On my lap. Turned on. Virus free.

I’ve got no home, I haven’t got control, and I can’t see any escape.

I should get a new keyboard.

Why was the nun hooked up to an IV of holy water?

She was taking god's name in vein.

I was riding the bus when I got tapped on the shoulder...

An old lady says to me, “Would you like a nut?”

I chuckled and said, “Sure, thanks.”

A couple of minutes after eating the nut, another tap on the shoulder. “Would you like another nut?”

Well, after eating a couple more nuts from the old gal I finally turned around and asked her, “Why do you have nuts if you keep giving them to me?”

She replied, “I only like the chocolate around them.”