1 jokes

They say in every friend group there is 1 willing to commit murder

I killed the guy I suspected most before he could do any harm .

There are 3 unwritten rules of life.

1.

2.

3.

The spread of Covid 19 is based on 2 factors...

1) How dense the population is.

2) How dense the population is.

I just started a diet. Here's a recap of Day #1 - I removed all the fattening food from my house

It was delicious

I dont get it

If someone donates 1 kindey, they're hailed a hero, but I donate 5 and get arrested!?

A Girl was towelling her wet pussy. She enjoyed it so much that she began to rub it vigorously until

the pussy cried "Meow" and ran away.

Moral Lessons

1. Be kind to Animals

2. Always keep your thoughts clean...

I forgot how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6, and 500 in Roman numerals.

I’M LIVID.

The US should make DC, Guam, and PR states.

53 is a prime number.

Then we would truly be 1 nation, indivisible.

As a father I am granted 3 things in life:

1. I am allowed to have a dad bod. 2. I am allowed to make dad jokes. 3. I am a certified mother fucker.

99.9% of people are idiots

Fortunately, I belong in the 1% of intelligent people

Two monkeys entered a bath.

Monkey 1: Oooh oooh oooh aaah aaah aaah

Monkey 2: Calm down, it isn't that hot

Bill Gates is pulled over by a police officer one night after his car is seen swerving on the highway

The police officer asks, "Have you had anything to drink tonight, sir?"

Bill says, "Absolutely not, officer."

The cop says, "Can you please count backwards from 10 for me?"

• ⁠

Bill replies, "10, 8, 7, Vista, XP, ME, 2000, NT, 98, 95, 3, 2, 1."

Two Romans were in a bar having a conversation..

Roman 1: you won't believe how many women I've slept with

Roman 2: mmm?

Roman 1: don't be ridiculous, not that many

Apparently 1/3 of people in a relationship are unfaithful

I’ve just gotta figure out if it’s my wife or my girlfriend

Joke told in the Soviet Union

(For context only 1/7 Soviets owned a car, and once you paid up front there was a 10 year wait to get one)

A man walks into the car store wanting to buy a car. He pays the man at the counter and the man at the counter says “Alright, just come back in 10 years to pick one up.” The man replies “Morning or afternoon?” The dealer says “Well, 10 years from now what difference does it make?” The man replies “Well, the plumbers coming over in the morning.”

My friends won’t stop teasing me for giving up in a marathon after only 1 mile

I’ve become a running joke

So my mate was welding the other day

While grinding off his work to admire his craftsmanship, a piece of metal flew into his eye.

Score 1 for wearing safety glasses.

Anyway, he complained he couldn't see, so we packed him off down to the hospital.

After an X-ray and scan the doctor comes in and says "You have Creepy Teacher Syndrome"

"Creepy teacher Syndrome?"

"Yes," the doctor replies, "You've fucked one of your pupils"

I can't believe...!

Person 1: I can't believe after all that shit they're back together!!! Person 2: Who?! Person 1: My ass cheeks.

I've used this many times in person, and it still cracks me up to this day lol

#1 Handjob Tip for Women:

Use your mouth.

1. Cockadoodle 2. Yabba Dabba 3. Voo 4. Sea 5. Didgeri

My to doo list