Bill Gates is pulled over by a police officer one night after his car is seen swerving on the highway
The police officer asks, "Have you had anything to drink tonight, sir?"
Bill says, "Absolutely not, officer."
The cop says, "Can you please count backwards from 10 for me?"
•
Bill replies, "10, 8, 7, Vista, XP, ME, 2000, NT, 98, 95, 3, 2, 1."
Two Romans were in a bar having a conversation..
Roman 1: you won't believe how many women I've slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don't be ridiculous, not that many
Apparently 1/3 of people in a relationship are unfaithful
I’ve just gotta figure out if it’s my wife or my girlfriend
Joke told in the Soviet Union
(For context only 1/7 Soviets owned a car, and once you paid up front there was a 10 year wait to get one)
A man walks into the car store wanting to buy a car. He pays the man at the counter and the man at the counter says “Alright, just come back in 10 years to pick one up.” The man replies “Morning or afternoon?” The dealer says “Well, 10 years from now what difference does it make?” The man replies “Well, the plumbers coming over in the morning.”
My friends won’t stop teasing me for giving up in a marathon after only 1 mile
I’ve become a running joke
So my mate was welding the other day
While grinding off his work to admire his craftsmanship, a piece of metal flew into his eye.
Score 1 for wearing safety glasses.
Anyway, he complained he couldn't see, so we packed him off down to the hospital.
After an X-ray and scan the doctor comes in and says "You have Creepy Teacher Syndrome"
"Creepy teacher Syndrome?"
"Yes," the doctor replies, "You've fucked one of your pupils"
I can't believe...!
Person 1: I can't believe after all that shit they're back together!!! Person 2: Who?! Person 1: My ass cheeks.
I've used this many times in person, and it still cracks me up to this day lol
#1 Handjob Tip for Women:
Use your mouth.
1. Cockadoodle 2. Yabba Dabba 3. Voo 4. Sea 5. Didgeri
My to doo list
If you had $1 for every time you've masturbated
What color would your Bugatti be?
I've discovered that 1+1 can, in fact, equal 3.
Because I wasn't wearing a condom.
What's 3/7 chicken, 2/3 cat and 1/2 goat?
Chicago
2 baseball players had an argument on if there is baseball in heaven
They both decided that whoever died first will come back to tell the other if baseball exists in heaven.
Shortly after, friend 1 dies and comes back as promised, he says to friend 2: “I’ve got good news and I’ve got bad news. The good news is that there is baseball in heaven. The bad news is that you’re scheduled to pitch next week.”
Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible.
Well, tell him I can't see him right now.
Why haven’t aliens visited our solar system yet?
They checked the reviews.. only 1 star
How to win the war on drugs
1) legalize all drugs. 2) require that all drugs be purchased through Comcast customer service.
Men need to start going to target to meet women
The women to men ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: My dad is in the hospital
*1 week later*
Teacher: Is your dad still in the hospital?
Student: Yes, he is a doctor
A lawyer is meeting the devil to make a deal
... and says, "Alright, I want to win my next 10 cases in a row, for settlements of no less than $1 million!"
The Devil replies, "Ok mister lawyer, but in return, I demand the souls of your wife and child for 1000 years!"
The lawyer scratches his head and says, "I don't get it, where's the catch?"
From my dad.
"Boom, quick; you have five seconds to give me three reasons to live." "1...2...3...4...5..." Did you notice you said nothing at all?