Jokes

I gave that movie 3.14 stars!

Cause I pi-rated it.

When is D-Day?

Everyday when you are stuttering.

If I had the power of invisibility,

I would end every argument by disappearing and saying "have I made myself clear?"

What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with a Hell's Angel?

Someone who knocks on your door and tells *you* to fuck off.

Why do Scottish men wear kilts?

Because sheep can hear zippers.

I was offered sex from a 21 year old woman...

In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person of high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon and vanilla.

What's the difference between a prostitute and a drug dealer?

The prostitute can sell the same crack over and over.

When I get naked in the bathroom

the shower usually gets turned on.

Einstein, Newton and Pascal play hide and seek...

One day, Einstein, Newton, and Pascal meet up and decide to play a game of hide and seek. Einstein volunteered to be “It.” As Einstein counted, eyes closed, to 100, Pascal ran away and hid, but Newton stood right in front of Einstein and drew a one meter by one meter square on the floor around himself. When Einstein opened his eyes, he immediately saw Newton and said “I found you Newton,” but Newton replied, “No, you found one Newton per square meter. You found Pascal!”.

My girlfriend was shouting “Give it to me now! I’m so fucking wet!”

I simply told her “This umbrella is mine. Go get your own.”

Where is my wife

A young man and an old man bumped shopping carts at the grocery store. Young man: I am sorry. I wasn't watching where I was going. I was looking for my wife. Old man : Sorry. I was also looking for my wife. Young man: Well maybe we can look together. My wife is 24. She is 5'2". She has short black hair. She is wearing a pink tube top and blue Jeans. What does your wife look like? Old man: It doesn't matter. Lets look for yours.

I'm a screenwriter and I just signed an amazing 2-year deal with the parent company of Universal Pictures!

I'm going to be getting the basic cable plus HBO.

Thank god for nipples

Without it, boobs would be pointless.

How is Santa like Bill Cosby?

Neither will come if you're awake.

What do you call a fake gun?

A JK-47

Does anyone else realize that baseball is actually illegal?

Hit and run is a felony.

A father bought a lie detector which hit people when they lied.

His young son said, “I have no naughty books!”

The machine quickly hit him.

His father saw that and scolded his son, “When I was your age, I didn’t have such books!”

The machine quickly hit him.

The mother saw what happened and laughed and said, “Oh, you are truly father and son!”

The machine quickly hit her.

Why are city-dwelling gnomes very good at keeping time?

Because they are metrognomes.

What do you call an elephant who doesn't matter?

An irrelephant

What did the horny hen say?

Any cock’ll doodle do!!

*courtesy of my 62 year old roommate*