Jokes

What do they call Miley Cyrus in Europe

Kilometery Cyrus

It's strange to see Christians advocating abstinence only sex education...

According to their own religion, even abstinence isn't 100% effective.

My Wife told me to treat her like a princess

So I put her in the back of my car and crashed it into a tunnel

What do you call a weather joke with a bad punchline?

An anti-climactic climatic joke.

I tried to remarry my ex-wife

But she figured out I was only after my money

A Japanese man in a monastery atop a sacred mountain asks the wise man: "Master Ayumu, why do all Westerners think that Japanese people look alike?"

"I am not Master Ayumu."

"You are the first woman that has ever given me an orgasm," I told the prostitute.

"That's not true," she replied.

"Of course it is," I laughed. "What do you mean?"

She said, "I'm a man."

A guy is laying in bed with his mistress...

- Shouldn't your husband be coming soon? Cause I'd rather not see him, he's my best friend after all... - Don't worry, he won't be here before an hour.

At that moment, the phone rings. The woman answers : "Hi honey. Ok honey, yes honey. Bye Honey"

She hangs up and turns towards her lover :

- It was my husband, he'll be an hour late. He's playing pool with you.

A wife desperately tries to prove to her husband that her affair is over.

He had already forgiven her, but still hadn’t spoken to her in days. The only thing she could think of, is that he must still not trust her. To convince him, she cut her ex lover’s obituary out of the newspaper. Her affair ended long before the accident, but she thought she could ease her husband’s mind once and for all.

“You see,” she told him, “he was struck by a drunk driver.”

“I wasn’t drunk.” He replied.

but I have a PhD...

"Here's a broom go and sweep the floors."

"But I have a PhD..."

"Oh sorry, give me the broom, I'll show you how its done."

my friend invited me over for a three-some with him and his wife

After about ten minutes of just going at it I said: okay seriously. When is your wife getting home?

Why does Batman just wear dark colors?

Easy. Batman doesn’t want to get shot.

Why does Robin just wear bright colors?

Easy. Batman doesn’t want to get shot

What do you call a vegan lion?

Dead

If a co worker is sick, is it considered a staff infection?

I really just came up with this joke all by myself, this is a big moment for me.

Why doesn’t Oedipus swear?

Because he kisses his mother with that mouth.

A scientist is trying to prove that all blonds are stupid

so he holds an all blond convention and randomly picks someone from the crowd. First he asks her what two plus two is. She answers seven, and the crowd yells, "Give her another chance!". So this time he asks her what ten minus four is. She answers thirteen, and the crowd yells, "Give her another chance!". So this time he asks her what is five times five is. She answers twenty-five, and the crowd yells, "Give her another chance!".

Me: When I donate my blood

I do not extract it myself. A nurse does it for me.

Receptionist: Yes, but this is a sperm bank and it doesn't work that way.

We were at a family dinner last night, and at one point my Uncle Bob stood up and declared, “I’m gay and I don’t care who knows it!”

He must have been really drunk, because he’s been married to my Uncle Tony for six years now.

•••

Happy National Coming Out Day!

A goat, a drum, and a rattlesnake fall down a cliff...

ba dum tss

Why are steak puns so rare?

Because they are never well done.