Jokes

For her birthday I bought my wife new beads for her abacus.

It's the little things that count.

Why do cellular biologists always disagree with mathematicians?

Because to them dividing and multiplying are the same

My son made it through a blood transfusion, so I bought him a 50′′ HDTV...

He loves his new plasma...

What did Zelda suggest to Link when diplomacy didn't work?

Try-force

Police have arrested the World tongue-twister Champion.

I imagine he'll be given a tough sentence.

My doctor tried treating me with ygolohcysp

But reverse psychology doesn't work on me

White people don't shoot each other in the streets like black people do.

We do it in schools, because we have class.

What's the difference between a successful bank robber and one who ends up in prison?

One's a pro, and one's a con.

Why are students prohibited from playing Fortnite during school?

It would be really hard to tell where the gunshots are coming from

Why did the Mexican take Xanax?

To stop hispanic attacks

I recently saw a movie about nuts and bolts.....

The plot was riveting!

What do you call a black guy having a heart attack?

An ambulance.

Did you hear that in the next fast and the furious movie they’re getting rid of those long fin things on the back of the cars

Ah sorry, spoilers

Two engineer students were biking across campus.

One said to the other, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

What happens if you drop a nuclear weapon on a dyslexic person?

It's unclear.

In the words of Bill Murray...

An Irish man knocks on the door of an old lady, he says he's broke and looking for work. The old lady says "Sure, I'll pay you to paint my porch." So she gives the Irish man some paint and he leaves.

One hour later the man comes back, "Are you already done?" the lady asked, "Aye." said the Irish man, "But it's not a porch it's a Mazda."

Why do French people eat snails?

Because they don't like fast food.

Me: Dad, can I be frank?... And if you say, “Hi Frank, I’m Dad”, I’m gonna be real pissed!

Dad: That seems fair, gonnaberealpissed.

I came up with this joke during lunch break: What do you call a jewish obstacle course?

Shlalom

I finally got around to reading that book by Stephen Hawking.

It was about time.