A man goes to India for a cheap penis extension..
The surgeon suggests a baby elephants trunk stitched on for £3000. The man agrees. 6 weeks later, while having dinner with his new girlfriend he feels an unusual stirring in his pants and thinks this is the night. While chatting over dinner his cock flies out and steals an apple off the table and goes back into his pants. "Wow!", she says, "can you do that again?" He says,"My cock can, but I don't think my arsehole can take another apple."
A man buys a lie detecting robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it at dinner one night. He asks his son what he did that afternoon. Son: "I did some homework." The robot slaps the son. Son: "Ok, ok. I was at a friend's house watching a movie." Dad: "What movie did you watch?" Son: "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son. Son: "Ok, ok, we were watching porn." Dad: "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was." The robot slaps the father. Mom: "Well, at least this isn't a repost." The robot slaps the mother.
What do you give a cannibal who is late for dinner?
The cold Shoulder.
We were at a family dinner last night, and at one point my Uncle Bob stood up and declared, “I’m gay and I don’t care who knows it!”
He must have been really drunk, because he’s been married to my Uncle Tony for six years now.
•••
Happy National Coming Out Day!
There was a pretty awkward silence at the dinner table, so I decided to talk about the crashing of the titanic.
That seemed like a good way to break the ice.
Who eats Five Guys for breakfast, lunch, and dinner?
Jeffrey Dahmer
One day a girl realised she was growing hair between her legs
She asked her mom what it was and her mom replied back 'the part where the hair is growing is called your monkey. Be proud that your monkey is growing hair'
During dinner she told her sister that her monkey had grown hair and the sister replied 'that's nothing, mine is already eating bananas'
Honey, let's get naked!
This eighty year old couple were celebrating their 60th anniversary and the wife says to her husband, "Honey lets get stark naked and sit at the dining table and eat our dinner!"
As they sat at the dining table the wife says, "Honey I am beginning to get very hot and very aroused!"
The husband says, "That is because you have your breasts in the soup!"
Little Johnny was eating dinner with his family. His mother went around the table and asked, "Mark, what would you like to eat?" Mark said, "I'd like some fucking potatoes." SMACK! Mother slapped Mark. She then asked Suzie, "What would you like to eat?" "Well, I'd like some fucking potatoes," said Suzie SMAACK! She slapped Suzie. "Ok. Johnny, what would you like to eat?" "Well.... I sure as hell don't want no fucking potatoes."
My next door neighbour just knocked on my door with her dinner in her hands.
With Facebook and Instagram down she wanted me to see what she was having
A doctor gets a phone call from a colleague while having dinner home with his wife
"We need a 4th for poker"
"I'll be right over" says the doctor.
"Is it serious?" His wife asks when she notices him quickly putting on his coat.
"Oh yes.. there are 3 other doctors there already."
what did the archer ask the pepper?
"do you habanero?"
I thought of this tonight making dinner. I'm sure someone has thought of this before me, but figured I would share anyway.
I thought of having a threesome
But then I realized that if I wanted to disappoint two people at one time I might as well have dinner with my parents
A zombie is trying to get his kid to eat their dinner
"Eat your food, there's people in America with no brains at all"
My wife just walked in on me blow drying my penis, she looked confused and asked me what I was doing. I now know heating your dinner isn't the right answer
Oh deer...
One even, husband came home from a day of hunting and brought home a deer. He suggested to his wife that she should cook the deer meat but don't tell the kids what's for dinner. Wife agrees and cooks the deer meat.
Later that evening the husband, wife and the kids, all gather at the table for dinner...
Son - "mmmm smells good ma., what is it?"
Wife - "I'll give you a hint. It's what I call your father all the time."
Daughter - "SPIT IT OUT BILLY., IT'S AN ASSHOLE!!!"
My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. "She obviously has COVID," my wife said. "Why?" I asked.
My wife replied with a sneer, "Because she has no taste."
Little Teddy’s doing very poorly in math, so his parents enroll him in Catholic school.
The first day home from St. Michael’s, he walks straight to his room to do his math homework. After dinner Teddy marches back upstairs and starts calculating again.
His mother visits his room and says, “You’re working awfully hard!”
“Well,” Teddy replies, “today when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren’t fucking around.”
During a dinner party, the hosts’ two little children enter the dining room totally nude and walk slowly around the table.
The parents are so embarrassed that they pretend nothing is happening and keep the conversation going. The guests cooperate and also continue as if nothing extraordinary is happening. After going all the way around the room the children leave, and there is a moment of silence at the table, during which one of the children is heard saying, “You see, it is vanishing cream!”
Businessman walks into a motel/brothel. Ask the lady working the front desk...I'd like a room and for an extra $500, I want your oldest, fattest, meanest, boring in bed woman and a bologna sandwich. The receptionist looks at him confused and says for that price we could get you our youngest, kindest, skinniest, kinkiest girl and a steak dinner with all the trimmings. The man replys ma'am you don't understand me...I'm homesick.
My little brother is throwing a tantrum because we aren’t having German sausages for dinner
He’s being such a brat
Would you sleep with me for ten million dollars?
At a fancy dinner party, a man turns to a woman and suddenly says:
- Would you sleep with me for ten million dollars?
The woman giggles.
- Of course I would!
- How about doing it for fifteen dollars?
The woman looks disgusted.
- Why, what kind of woman do you think I am?
- That’s already been established. Now we’re just haggling about the price.