Jokes

Apparently 1/3 of people in a relationship are unfaithful

I’ve just gotta figure out if it’s my wife or my girlfriend

What's the difference between a drunk driver and a stoned driver?

A drunk driver will run the stop sign. A stoned driver will stop and wait for the sign to turn green.

How many ears does Captain Kirk have?

3.

His left ear.

His right ear.

And the final frontier.

Dad called me a cunt

I always buy him socks for Xmas. I said, "you bastard, it's the thought that counts." I could tell by the look in his eyes he would have kicked my head in if he had legs

Two condoms walk past a gay bar

One says to the other "what do you say we go in there and get shit-faced?"

What's the hardest tea to swallow

Reality

I had a nightmare that my TikTok account got banned

For a second, i was really scared that i had TikTok

I just swallowed a mood ring.

Not quite sure how I feel about it...

What does Lebron James do after winning the NBA Championship?

He turns off his Xbox.

Why is your nose in the middle of your face

Because its the scenter

I used to like Mitch Hedberg

I still do, but I used to too

Why are transgender people rarely seen with their children?

Because they're transparent.

What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?

Philippe Philoppe.

What do you call it when cats rebel?

Mew-tiny!

I’ll admit that Chinese kids in math class are pretty smart

But doing it with their eyes closed... that’s a bit cocky

If I got a dollar everytime someone called me a racist

Black people would rob me

Where do Asian neckbeards come from?

M'laysia

4 catholic priests are sharing a private compartment on a train

They decided to confess their biggest flaw to each other.

The first priest confesses that he spends most of the church money on booze.

The second priest explains that he blows the church collection betting on horses.

The third priest confesses that he spends the church takings on drugs.

They have opened their souls and revealed their deepest secrets. They look to the last priest and he says "I am a gossip and I can't wait to get off this train".

Many homosexuals went into battle in World War I.

Only a few came out

I want to tell you about a girl who only eats plants

You’ve probably never heard of herbivore