A dying husband in a hospital bed asks his wife, "Our seventh child always looked different from the other six. Did he have a different father?"
His wife, crying uncontrollably answers, "Yes."
He asks, "Whose is it?"
His wife replies, "Yours!"
People laugh at my car because it's ugly and green
At least I avacado
Something you can say at a drive through window and during sex? Il go first
It’s ok i will come inside..
Your momma so old...
You should call her and check in. Just say hello. Tell her you love her.
A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
Jane ate her friend's lunch.
Jane ate her friend's colon.
Not saying my Ex was fat
But it took a year for my memory foam mattress to forget her.
Last Christmas we bought a fake Christmas tree
The guy behind the counter said "Are you going to put it up yourself?" My dad said, "Don't be disgusting. I'm going to put it in the living room."
In 2022, I will avoid food that gives me diarrhea.
It's a solid plan.
I did my personal best in the 100 metres today....
74 metres.
An E, F Sharp, G, A, B, C, D, and another E walk into a bar.
The bartender shakes his head and says, “sorry, we don’t serve minors here.”
Why does everyone assume that just because I’m a 40 year old loser that I live in my parent’s basement?
My parents don’t have a basement. I live in my bedroom like a big boy.
I found a pot of gold today...
Au yeah
I wrote the names of everyone I have unfriended onto a piece of paper, but my roommate took it and rolled it into a joint.
Now he’s high on my list of people I never want to see again.
Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 15 children. After her first husband died, she remarried and had 15 more children. A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away. At Maria's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're finally together." Her sister sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her second husband?" The priest replied, "I mean her legs." -
Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible.
Well, tell him I can't see him right now.
My friend is convinced he has the biggest balls in the world
He's so egotestical.
Superman is flying around the city, feeling horny as hell.
He suddenly spots Wonder Woman lying naked on top of a building with her legs spread apart.
He thinks, “This is my chance!” and swoops down faster than a speeding bullet, fucks her deep and hard and is gone in the blink of an eye.
Wonder Woman sits up and says, “What the hell was that?”
The Invisible Man rolls off her and says, “I have no idea but my fucking asshole hurts like hell!”
What was the first form of digital storage?
gloves
Don't buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!
It says guaranteed whiteness in 14 days.
It's been 2 weeks and I'm still Asian.
What age were you when you realized you wanted to be a dancer?
I think I was around 5, 6, 7, 8