A group of chess enthusiasts check into a hotel...
They stand in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager comes out of his office and asks them to disperse. "But why?" they asked as they move off. "Because," he says, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
My girlfriend told me I'm her 32nd lover
Turns out what she really meant was I'm her thirty second lover
What do you call it when a kid teaches their parents?
Learning from your mistakes.
I hope England beats Iceland...
Or they will be out of Europe twice this week!
I just came on my phone’s screen and it didn’t unlock
So much for facial recognition
Did you hear about the 7' NBA star who married a blonde midget?
He was nuts over her.
I was on PornHub the other day and there was an ad that read: 'free asian asshole pics'.
When I clicked on it it was just a picture of Xi Jinping.
My British friend was really proud of his heritage until he found out that his great grandfather was from Transylvania.
Now he can’t even look at himself in the mirror.
I entered my Chihuahua in an 'ugliest dog' contest and I won first place!
My dog came in third.
A worker in Russia has been standing in a liquor line for hours....
He grows tired of waiting around for so long, so he suddenly says to his friends around him “That’s it, I cannot take this anymore, please hold my place in line, I am going to shoot Putin.” They agree to hold his place and he walks off hastily.
Two hours later the worker returns. One of his friends asks him “Well, did you do it?” The worker says, “No, the line there was much longer than the line here.”
The officer said “You’re staggering.”
I said “You’re quite handsome yourself.” We both laughed and laughed. I need bail money.
So my oilfield is haunted, turned out quite profitable...
Now I can sell Super-Natural Gas!
If you buy a goat for $10 and named him Mohammed, then sell it for $15.
Did you make a prophet?
Why can't you starve in the desert?
Because of all the sand which is there.
"Allegedly Trump gave Russians intelligence "
I wonder how much he had in the first place and how much he is left with.
A man wakes up after a heavy night of drinking to his wife happily cooking breakfast.
Confused, he approaches his daughter for an explanation of last night when he arrived home. "You kicked in the door when you couldn't get your key in the lock, fell through the table and broke it, and pissed your pants." "Jesus! So then why the hell is she in such a good mood?" "When she tried to take your pants off to wash them, you slapped her hand away and said, 'Get your hands off me! I'm married!'"
Stopped to put air in my tires today. The pump cost $1.50! I remember when those things used to only cost 25 cents.
Guess the price has adjusted for inflation.
I finally figured out why my girlfriend hasn’t been talking to me recently
I don’t have one
A state trooper lays in wait at a speed trap...
and spots a speeder.
He flashes his lights, pulls the car over, walks up to the driver and says, "I've been waiting for you all day."
The driver responds, "I got here as fast as I could."
If I had a dime for every time I didn't understand what's going on.
I'd be like: "Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?"