One day during a war....
A tall, strong and handsome Roman soldier broke into a house where he found two luscious maidens and their matronly nurse.
Chuckling with glee, he roared, "Prepare thyselves for a conquest, my pretties."
The lovely girls fell to their knees and pleaded with him, "Do with us as thou wilt, O Roman, but spare our faithful old nurse."
"Shut thy mouth," snapped the old nurse. "War is war."
I discovered red crayons in my girlfriends nurse uniform.
She said it's in case she has to draw blood.
A Covid test nurse asked me if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste.
I told her, "No, I've dressed like this for quite a while."
My tinder date invited me back to her house tonight, and while she was in the bathroom, I had a cheeky look in her wardrobe. Inside, there was a nurse outfit, a police woman's uniform and a full dominatrix bodysuit, so I quickly pulled on my pants and snuck out of there.
I don't want a girlfriend who can't hold down a job.
Me: When I donate my blood
I do not extract it myself. A nurse does it for me.
Receptionist: Yes, but this is a sperm bank and it doesn't work that way.
A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar.
The nurse sits down at the bar and says, “I’ll have a Bloody Mary!”
The doctor sits next to her and says, “Give me a rum and coke!”
The anti-vaxxer does nothing. She collapsed and died from polio.
What's better than a paradox?
A pair of nurses
After my proctology exam I was left alone in the exam room for a few minutes. Then the nurse came in and whispered three words no man ever wants to hear.
"Who was that?"
A nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after a 2 back to back 12 hour shifts. She grabs a deposit slip, pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse, and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the surprised teller and, without missing a beat, says, "Well that's just great! Some asshole's got my pen!"
A woman is in a coma and her nurses are giving her a sponge bath
They notice when they get near her lower area that her vital signs improve a little. They think oral sex may bring her out of her coma. They go in the waiting room and tell her husband their theory and assure him they will have complete privacy. The nurses leave and come back 15 minutes later and the woman is flat-lined. What happened?? Yelled the nurse. Her husband replies, I don't know...I think she choked.
A woman calls 911 and paramedics rush her unconscious husband to the hospital She limps into the ER as the nurses wheel him in on a stretcher,
his enormous erection clearly visible under the sheet. The doctor runs some tests and says to her "Ma'am, it appears your husband overdosed on Viagra and is in a coma. How long has he been like this?"
"About 4 days" she replies
"4 days?! Why did you wait until now to get help?"
"I ran out of lube this morning"
My son just told me he joined the Army. I asked him why and proudly, he said he joined up to kill people.
He's a terrible nurse.
"A nurse pulls out a rectal thermometer from her front pocket
Damn! Some asshole has my pen!"
-jimmi carr
A lady came in for a routine physical at the doctor’s office.
“Here”, said the nurse, handing her a urine specimen container. “The bathroom is over there on your right. The doctor will be with you in a few minutes.” A few minutes later the lady came out of the bathroom with an empty container and a relieved look on her face. “Thanks! But they had a toilet in there, so I didn’t need this after all!”
A man was sobbing next to his ex-wife in the hospital who had just been hit by a bus..
He kept saying "It should have been me... it should have been me" over and over, with tears flowing out of his eyes.
The nurse tried to console him, telling him "Don't be too harsh on yourself. For all you know you couldn't have changed it, even had you been there"
To which he replied : "I guess you're right. After all, I don't even know how to drive a bus"
I asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight to fulfill my fantasy...
That we have health insurance.
Nurse: “My phone just died.”
Doctor: “Let’s call it.”