That's weird
A man walks into a bar and orders a bottle of whisky and drinks it all. Tipsy, he now orders half a bottle of whisky. Drunk, he orders a glass of whisky. Heavily drunk and in a sorry state, he now orders half a glass of whisky. Then he says,
"That's weird. The less I drink the drunker I get"
An English man, an Irish man, and a Scots man walks into a bar
... and order a pint each. A fly lands in the English mans beer and he pushes it away in disgust.
Another fly lands in the Irish mans beer but he drinks the beer with the fly in it.
A third fly lands the the Scots beer. He lifts up the fly in its tiny wings, shakes it, and yells: “spit it out! Spit it out your little bastad”.
The mugger
Two guys are walking home from a bar when a mugger approaches them in an alley with a knife and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and says, "Hey, here's that $20 I owe you."
A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says, " you're in here alot, are you an alcoholic?"
The horse ponders for a moment and responds " I don't think I am" and poof he disappears.
This is where philosophy students begin to snicker because they are familiar with Descartes postulate, " I think therefore I am."
But telling you that first would be putting Descartes before the horse.
A group of blondes walk into a bar,
all of them chanting "Twenty-four days! Twenty-four days!" They got a table and continued to yell "Twenty-four days! Twenty-four days!" They started hooting and high-fiving each other as well. Intrigued, the bartender walks over to the table and sees a finished child's puzzle with Sesame Street's Elmo on it. "What are we celebrating?" asks the bartender.
"We finished this puzzle in twenty-four days," said one of the blondes,"but the box label said '3 to 5 years'!"
A priest, a child molester, and a rapist walk into a bar...
He sits down and has a drink
Two male deer are leaving a gay bar
One turns to the other and says, “I can’t believe I just blew 20 bucks.”
An Irishman walks into a bar full of Englishmen. Looks around, and then says: "Right, this looks like a fair fight."
A Priest needs to go to the bathroom and asks for a Nun to hear the confessions for a while
A Priest needs to go to the bathroom and asks for a Nun to hear the confessions while he is out. The first person to arrive it's a gorgeous woman, who says:
-Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I had anal sex with some random guy in a bar.
The nun, shocked doesn't know what Penance to give to the Lady, but an altar boy was passing by so she asks him:
-What does the Priest give to people for anal sex?
-Usually a hamburger and a coke.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar...
...the first orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders a quarter of a beer. Before the next one can order, the bartender says, "You're all assholes," and pours two beers.
Two people walk into a bar.
They see that the bartender is Eminem.
"Two shots please", one of them tells him
"Sorry. You only get one shot"
A drunk man at a bar shouts "all lawyers are assholes!"
Another man replies "TAKE THAT BACK!"
"Why? Are you a lawyer?"
"No, I'm an asshole"
A douchebag slides up to a girl at a bar and says, “I’d really like to get into your pants”
She says, “No thanks, I’ve already got one asshole in there, I don’t need another.”
A priest, a nun and some random dude walks into a bar
They ask for a few coronas, hurricanes, and fireballs.
The bartender says "that'll be 2020"
A guy is sitting in a bar drinking.
After some couple of drinks he tries to stand up and he falls. He crawls to the door of the bar and tries to stand up and he falls again, he crawls until he reaches the door in his house and he tries to stand but then for the third time he falls again. He then decides to knock on the door while he is on the ground. His wife opens the door and surprised she asks him, "Where the hell did you leave your wheelchair?"
CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00
A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads: CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00
He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks. "Can I help you?" she asks. "I was wondering," whispers the man. "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?"
"Yes," she purrs. "I am."
The man replies, "Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger."
A drunk man stumbles out of bar and runs into 2 priest. The drunk man looks at the 1st priest and says,
"Hey, I'm Jesus Christ."
The 1st priest tells the man, "No, my son, you're not."
Then the man turns to the 2nd priest and says the same thing. "Hey, I'm Jesus Christ."
The 2nd priest tells the man, "No, my son, you're not."
The drunk man tells the priests that he can prove it. So he takes the 2 priests into the bar and the bartender says,
"Jesus Christ. You're back again?"
A vegan, an atheist, and a crossfitter walk into a bar...
I only know because they told everybody
Guy orders 11 shots at a bar
Bartender says "What are you celebrating?" Guys says "My first blowjob" Bartenders says "Congrats, but why 11 shots?" Guys says "I figured by the 11th the taste would be out of my mouth. "
First dirty joke I told my parents when I was 8. The punishment was worth it.
a bishop walks up to a bar
and the bartender says ‘you can’t do that. you can only move diagonally.’