Cake

Doctors say they found a food that causes years of pain and suffering after its eaten...

It's called wedding cake

So I was at the bar the other day...

...and suddenly, I feel a large slap on my ass.

Turning around, I spot the ugliest woman imaginable; she was large, heavily tattooed, and caked with metric tonnes of makeup.

She said to me, "Hey there, guy. I saw you over there and thought you should call me."

I looked her over once again, disgusted, then said, "Do you have a pen?"

She replied "Of course!"

"Well you'd better get back in it before the farmer realizes that you're gone."

The worst thief ever came to my birthday party today.

I mean, I've seen other thieves, but this one took the cake.

I asked a Buddhist what was the easiest way to get a lot of good karma.

He told me all it takes is a piece of cake.

Want to know how to get a fat girl in bed?

It’s a piece of cake

I went to a really emotional wedding yesterday. Nearly everybody was crying.

Even the cake was in tiers.

what is 40 feet long and only has 3 teeth?

The funnel cake line at the Arkansas state fair.

Don't you hate it when a teacher lies and says the homework will be a piece of cake?

It always tastes like paper.

When I'm sad I cut myself

A slice of cake.

My wife gave me an ultimatum. It was either her or my addiction to sweets.

The decision was a piece of cake.

What do you feed a woman to stop her from giving blowjobs?

Wedding cake