When I was a lad, my father told me I should never go to a whore house.
He said that I might see something there that I shouldn't see.
When I turned 18, my curiosity got the better of me, and I went to a whore house. And I did see something I shouldn't see: I saw my dad there.
Little Johnny catches his mom and dad...
Mom and dad are having sex when little Johnny walks in. Quickly, dad tells him to leave. When mom and dad come out of the room, they explain to Johnny that sometimes daddy's get a big tummy and mommy's have to jump on it so it will deflate. Then Johnny replies, "But why does mommy have to deflate it when Ms. Jane next door just comes over every day to blow it back up?"
A son went up to his dad and said “What is an alcoholic?”
The Dad said “You see those four trees over there? Well an alcoholic would see eight. Then the son said “But I only see two.”
Son: Dad, I have an imaginary girlfriend.
Dad: You know, you could do better.
Son: Thanks Dad, that means a lot.
Dad: I was talking to your girlfriend.
My dad was a WWII veteran.
During the Battle of Britain, in just one day, he destroyed 8 German aircrafts killing 32 Nazis.
Literally the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
Operation successful
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting a complicated surgery on him and.....
he insisted that his son-in-law, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anaesthesia, he spoke to his son-in-law.
'Yes, Dad, what is it?'
'Don't be nervous son; do your best and just remember, if something happens to me.........
........your mother in law will come and live with you.'
The surgery was a great success....
"Have you not got a girlfriend?"
"No dad."
"Do you think you will ever get a girlfriend?
"No dad, not at all."
"Are you gay?"
"No dad, and will you please fuck off with your lesbian fantasies."
father:how are your grades son?
son: underwater, dad
father: underwater? what do you mean?
son:they're below C level
A dad says to his son “Ten times two and eleven times two equal the same number”
The son says it’s wrong
The dad asks “what’s ten times two?”
The son replies “Twenty”
Then the dad says “And eleven times two is twenty too!”
I invited my buddy to a costume party and he said he was going as his dad
He didn’t show up
A Woman goes to buy a Parrot.
The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?
"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays the $15. When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs. When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laugh too. When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it's funny as a motherfucker
This one time, I cried, when my dad chopped up Onions.
I loved Onions, she was such a nice, sweet, little puppy
"Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
"Yes, we arson."
A piece of shit walks into the bar
Its my dad. My dad is a piece of shit
A boy is watching TV with his father when a sex scene comes on.
"Well son, time for bed," the father says. "But dad, I'm 16 now!" the son complains. The father replies, "I don't care how old you are, you're not watching me masturbate."
I became a proud dad today!
Well my son is 4.. But he was a boring little cunt for the first 3 years.
My dad dressed up as The Invisible Man today
He's had the costume on for the last 20 years
My dad always tells me he never makes the same mistake twice.
That's why I am the only child.
My dad used to say "when one door closes another one opens"
He's a great man... Rubbish cabinet maker though.