The pilot gets ready for the flight
"Alright everyone, we will be taking off in a minute, please remain seated.", he says. After taking off, the pilot forgot the microphone on. "Know what I want now?", says the co-pilot, "a cup of coffee and a woman to suck my dick". Noticing the problem with the mic, one of the attendants bolts off to warn them. While she ran, someone on the back seats yells "Don't forget the coffee!"
My dick had a hard attack...
Which led to a stroke.
Lorena Bobbitt died in a car accident today...
Apparently some dick cut her off.
My marriage counselor asked me to think of something me and my wife have in common....
I said, "Well, we both refuse to suck dick."
I wasn't allowed to join the Trump campaign because I was circumcised.
Apparently, you need to be a complete dick.
How is a woman like a condom?
They both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick!
When I got home my wife had 2 gorgeous friends with her.
She said, we were just talking about having a foursome if you're up for it... She smiled and winked. 2 minutes later I appeared naked with my dick in my hand..
They all had golf clubs in theirs.
A man went into a tattoo parlor and asked to have a fifty dollar bill tattooed on his dick. The tattoo artist said, “I’ve had some strange requests but this one tops the lot. Why in the hell would you want me to tattoo your prick a picture of a banknote?”
The man replied, “There are three reasons.
One, I love to play with my money.
Two, when I play with my money, I love to see it grow.
Three, and this is the most important of all, the next time my wife wants to blow fifty bucks, she won’t have to leave the house!”
A dad puts a deer in the oven and doesn’t tell the children what they’re having
Dad: “We’re having what Mum calls me” Kid: “DONT EAT IT ITS A FUCKING DICK”
A mother and her young son were driving in their car when a dildo suddenly flies outta nowhere and hits the windshield, the mother trying to not ruin the child’s innocence says “it was just a bug sweetie, don’t worry”
The kid replies saying “How it even got of the ground with a dick that big amazes me”
A deaf couple are struggling to initiate sex...
A deaf couple is struggling to initiate sex in the dark of night, so they decide to sit down and communicate a work around.
The wife starts writing on a notepad, “If you want to have sex with with me, squeeze my left breast once, and if you don’t want to have sex with me squeeze my right breast once, sound good?”. The husband agrees, and picks up the pen, “If you want to have sex with me, pull my dick once, if you don’t want to have sex with me pull my dick 1,345 times, sound good?”.
What did the left leg say to the right leg?
"Don't talk to the guy in the middle, he's a dick."
My roommate is gay
There was this boy who went away to college, and came back for Christmas.
Over drinks with his dad by the fireplace, he told his dad: "Dad, I think my roommate is gay."
Dad asks: "Well, what makes you think so?"
Son replies: "His dick tastes like shit."
What do gay horses eat?
Horse dick
What did the left pussy lip say to the right pussy lip ?
We used to be tight before we let some dick get between us.
Bob the builder meets a pretty lass in the bar
He says to her, “I have an 8 inch dick and can fuck all night.” After a few drinks she takes him home and they fuck. The next day she says to him “You said your dick was 8 inches long and you could last all night. Instead, your dick was 5 inches and you only lasted 3 minutes!” He replies, “I’m a builder love, it’s only an estimate.”
I walked past the butchers and saw a sign in the window
"Wanted: Apprentice"
So I went inside and asked the butcher what happened to the old one.
He said "I had to fire him"
I asked "why?"
He replied "I caught him sticking his dick in the bacon slicer"
"Oh dear" I said "and what happened to the bacon slicer?"
He said "I fired her as well"
Oooooh BURN!
Him : Hey, girl ... Wanna hear a joke about my dick ... Oh wait nevermind, it is too long.
(\*looks at his friends thinking he did a solid pick-up line\*)
Her : Let me tell you a joke about my pussy ... Oops nevermind, you won't get it.
So two people are about to have sex for the first time
and the lady says, "Unfortunately I have small boobs, is that alright with you?"
To which the male replies, "Yea it's alright, I have a dick like a baby."
After the sex the lady exclaims, "You have the biggest penis I have ever seen in my life, Why did you say it was like a baby?"
"It is. 9 pounds 6 ounces and a foot in height."
*NSFW* John is sent to prison and he meets his 6’8” 320 pound cell mate
Cell mate says, “We are going to be here a long time, so you choose whether you want to be the husband or the wife?”
John is scared but he knows what to pick to make his life a little easier, “I’ll be the husband” he says confidently.
Cell mate, “ Good, now come here and suck your wife’s dick”
A small plane crashed in the middle of the desert. The pilot and co-pilot wandered around for days in search of food, but could find nothing. Finally the co-pilot announced: ‘I’m so hungry....
I’m going to chop off my dick and eat it.’ ‘Before you do,’ said the pilot. ‘Think of your girlfriend.’ ‘What’s the point? At this rate I will never see her again anyway.’ ‘I know, but if you think of her first, hopefully there will be enough for both of us
I had a dream..
Wife : "I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."
Husband : "How about the ones like mine?"
Wife : "Those they gave away."
Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamt they were auctioning off cunts. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand."
Wife : "And how much for the ones like mine?"
Husband : "That's where they held the auction."
During OJ Simpson's First Trial, He and his lawyer are in the bathroom...
they are both standing at the urinals and the lawyer can't help but notice that OJ has Nicole tattooed onto his dick, he leans over and says "Between you and me, I know you killed your wife, so why did you have her name tattooed onto your dick?"
OJ answers "Just because she is dead, doesn't mean I can't beat her."
A farmer is lying in bed with his wife....
when he turns to her grabs her tits and says
"Honey if you could get milk out of these we could sell the cow".
Then he grabs her pussy and says "Honey if you could get eggs out of here we could sell the chickens".
She turns to him smiles,grabs his dick and says
"Honey if you could get this up I could get rid of your brother"
A husband and wife sit in their bed.
The husband tells his wife; I bet 20$ that you cant say something that will make me happy and sad at the same time.
The wife thinks for a second and says: you have the biggest dick out of all your friends.