Attack jokes

My dick had a hard attack...

Which led to a stroke.

If attacked by a gang of clowns...

go for the juggler.

An atheist in the forest...

stumbles upon a bear. The bear rears up to attack and the atheist yells "oh god no!" time stops and he hears the voice of god say "you called for me my son?" the atheist responds "I would ask you to save me, but that would be hypocritical, so instead, can you make the bear a christian?" he hears "I shall do this for you my son". Time resumes and the bear stops, puts his paws together and says "God in the heavens.... thank you for this meal you have provided me with today, amen"

Why did the Mexican take Xanax?

To stop hispanic attacks

What do you call a black guy having a heart attack?

An ambulance.

Best explanation of Star Wars

The story of an orphaned boy who becomes radicalised after a military strike kills his family. He is indoctrinated into an ancient religion, joins a band of rebel insurgents, and carries out a terrorist attack which kills 300'000 people.

I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him.

I guess that's what I get for getting a pure bread dog.

If Stephen Hawking has a heart attack, do you take him to Halfords or A&E?

Did you know the Secret Service is no longer allowed to say "GET DOWN!" when the President is getting attacked?

Now they're required to say "Donald, duck!"

Not a joke but a real incident that happened to an indian acquaintance of mine when he moved to Australia for higher studies..

So he comes out of the airport and gets into the cab.

The Aussie cab driver asked where he is from ?

He replied 'India '.

The cab driver asked ' So did you come to die?'

He froze as it was the times when there were racial attacks by white Aussies on people of indian descent .

It was only few weeks later, he realised that the driver actually asked " Did you come today?'

Why does Donald Trump take anti-anxiety pills?

To prevent Hispanic attacks

The Honest Thief

A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said, "Give me your money." The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said, "You cannot do this, I'm a congressman!" The thief replied, "In that case, give me MY money!"

Will carrying a torch save you from an attacking bear?

Depends on how fast you can carry it.

My grandfather died at auschwitz

He had a heart attack after he saw the gift shop prices.

News just in of a honeymooner killed in a shark attack off the Perth Coast. The man had been married very recently. A police spokesman said

Fortunately the man did not suffer too much as he had only been married 5 days

My wife's star sign was cancer and it's quite ironic how she died really...

She was attacked by a giant crab.

If Turkey was attacked from the rear

Would Greece help?

A Man Has a Heart Attack on a Plane...

Stewardess: Is **anybody** here a doctor?!

Man: (Raising Hand) I'm a vegan.

Heart-Attacks are overrated

I mean your heart works non-stop all of your life, would it kill you if the poor guy took a break for 5 minutes ?