Two Irishmen are sitting having a pint
when a Turf truck drives by. The first Irishmen says "When I win der lottery dats what I'm gonna do". The second Irishmen says "Whats that, drive a truck"? "No ya daft bastard, send my lawn away to be mowed"!
A old man was driving down the freeway when his wife called his cell phone.
"Herbert, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herbert, "It's hundreds of them!"
A man drives up to a stop sign and rolls through it.
Shortly after a cop pulls him over. The cop asks, “Do you know why I pulled you over?” The man says, “No”. The cop says, “ You ran a stop sign back there”. The man says, “OK, but I slowed down though”. The cop then asks, “Could you please step out of the vehicle, Sir?” The man gets out of his car. The cop pulls out his night stick and begins beating him. The man yells, “STOP, STOP!” The cops say, “Oh, you want me to slow down?”
Cop: So I’m writing you a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
To kill a French Vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart.
Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
I called a suicide hotline in Iraq
.. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.
Embarrassed, and to spare her young daughters innocence, the mother turns around and says “Don’t worry that was just an insect”. To which her daughter replies “I’m surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that”
A husband and wife went on a road trip.
They were driving by some plains when they sighted some wild pigs. The wife jokingly asked her husband," Are those relatives of yours?" Too which the husband replies," Yup! Those are my in-laws!"
My friend said she teaches circuit training classes..
I'll bet she's the driving force behind her students' motivation.
No one is allowed to congregate for funerals; instead, people drive by the cemetery and honk their horns in respect. One man drives by blasting “Another One Bites The Dust”
The family wanted to be mad, but then another car drove by playing the same song, and another one does, and another one does, and another one drives a bus.
A family with a little boy is driving behind a trash truck.
Suddenly, a dildo flies out of the truck and hits the windshield. To save her son‘s innocence, his mother goes: "Wow that was a huge bug!" To which her son replies: "Dang, how is that bug flying with a cock that big!?"
As an American looking at the situation in Afghanistan
It's good to see that, even decades later, the freedom fighters we trained can still drive out a superpower.
A mother and her young son were driving in their car when a dildo suddenly flies outta nowhere and hits the windshield, the mother trying to not ruin the child’s innocence says “it was just a bug sweetie, don’t worry”
The kid replies saying “How it even got of the ground with a dick that big amazes me”
The other day, an ex girlfriend of mine was hit by a bus near my house
And I thought to myself "that could've been me"
Then I remembered - I can't drive a bus
Four gents are on the golf course...
... on the second tee box. As gent number one steps up to the tee, a funeral procession drives by. Seeing the procession, he stops what he is doing, folds his hand, and bows his head out of respect. After the procession finishes, the other gents observe that, although it was a nice gesture, it was a little excessive to stop play like that. Gent number one replies "It was the least i could do ... I was married to her for 45 years!"
Khakis
In most places, losing your khakis means you have no pants. In Boston, if you lose your khakis, you can't drive.
What did the son reply when his mother asked if he needed a drive to his yoga class?
"Nah, ma, stay"
How did Stephen Hawking please his woman? He used a hard drive.
Safe Driving
Officer: Why did you deliberately run into that crowd of people?!
Man: Well, my brakes failed. There was a crowd on one side of the road, and a single man on the other.
Officer: SO WHY DID YOU HIT THE CROWD!?!
Man: Naturally, I swerved left to avoid the crowd, and hit that single man! But then ... that SELFISH bastard ran across the road towards the crowd!
After extensive investigations and many phone calls, the police found that, despite the fact that I’m black, I’ve got a good job, no criminal record and I own the BMW I was driving.
So they arrested me for wasting police time.