Two ducks are having an affair.
hey rent a hotel room for an hour, but the male duck forgot contraception. He calls down to room service.
“Got it,” says the front desk, “and would you like these on your bill?”
“Of course not,” the duck says. “I’d suffocate.”
Why did the duck go to prison?
He got caught selling quack.
I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him.
I guess that's what I get for getting a pure bread dog.
A duck walks into a store
“Got any duct tape?”
The owner answers, “no, and get out of here, you dumb duck!”
The duck comes back in a little while later, wearing a fake mustache. “Got any duct tape?”
“NO! And get out, I won’t tell you again,” the owner shouts.
A while later, the duck comes back with a hat and glasses. “Got any duct tape?”
“No, you stupid duck!!! And if you ask me again, I’ll staple your beak to the floor!”
The duck pauses.
“Got any staples?”
“Err... no...”
“Got any duct tape?”
What happens when you call a duck?
His phone wings
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in the microwave until its Bill Withers
Did you know the Secret Service is no longer allowed to say "GET DOWN!" when the President is getting attacked?
Now they're required to say "Donald, duck!"
What happens when a duck bends over?
You can see its butt quack.
Micky Mouse isn't quick enough to avoid my punches.
But Donald ducks.
What has 6 eyes, 16 tentacles and quacks like a duck?
I don't know either but it's in my kitchen please help.
A farmer buys a young cock
As soon as he gets it home, it fucks all the farmer's 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunch the cock again screws all 150 hens. The next day, it's fucking the ducks and the geese too.
Sadly, later in the day he finds the cock lying on the ground half dead and vultures circling overhead. The farmer says, "you deserved it, you horny bastard!" The cock opens one eye, points up and says, "sshhhh. They're about to land!!"
If your phone auto corrects "fuck" to "duck," it's okay to keep it
It’s still fowl language
A man walks into his house with a duck under his arm
Says, "This is the pig I've been fucking"
His wife says, "That's a duck"
He quickly replies, "I wasn't talking to you..."
I recently bought my pet duck a mask, to protect it from corona virus...
It’s nothing flashy, but it fits the bill
There is only one thing I don’t like about ordering duck in a Chinese restaurant
The bill
A priest, a rabbi, a minister, a blonde, a duck and a horse walk into a bar.
The bartender looks at them and says, "is this some kind of joke?"