Eye jokes

A Polish guy goes to the eye doctor

The doctor holds up a chart: K Z S Y X W K P G and asks the man if he can read it. "Read it?" he says, "I *know* the guy!"

Blind Man

A blind man walks into a department store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden he starts swinging the dog around in the air by its leash.

One of the store clerks run up to him and yells, "What are you doing!?"

The blind man replies," I'm just taking a look around."

A boy asks his dad about his past.

"Hey Dad."

"Yes son?"

"Did you ever get shot in the army?"

He looks at his son in silence. Tears start to form in the Dad's eyes, and he quietly replies:

"No, but I was shot in the leggy."

His visit to the eye doctor.

A man was scheduled to go to an eye exam, so he walks in and gets it done. When the doctor walks into the office, he has a concerned look on his face. “What’s wrong?” the patient asks. “Well, your test results don’t look too good” said the doctor. The patient replied, “well can I see them?” The doctor answered, “probably not.”

Elevators are a lot like urinals

Everyone’s looking down, nobody’s making eye contact, and my penis is exposed.

A person is walking down the street and hears a bunch of people in a fenced-in yard shouting, "19! 19! 19! 19!"

Curious, he walks over and looks through a hole in the fence. Someone from the other side pokes him in the eye and they all start shouting "20! 20! 20!"

The contact lens is mans greatest invention

At least in my eyes

I’m like a God to my current girlfriend.

I constantly keep an eye on her, and she doesn’t know I exist.

So my 6yo tells me a joke

What did one eye say to the other? Between you and me something smells!

A man notices his wife's butt is getting big

I bet your butt is as big as my grill."

His wife rolls her eyes, but he gets a tape measure, measures her bottom, measures the grill, and teases her that they're about the same size.

That night, he tries to see if he can get lucky. "Not tonight," says his wife.

He asks her why not, to which she responds, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weiner?"

Why did Soviet policemen always walk around in groups of three?

One could read, and was needed to read ID documents in case of an arrest.

One could write, and was needed to write down the names for punishment.

The third one was needed to keep an eye on these two dangerous intellectuals.

Accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes earlier, but now I don't need glasses any more.

Heinz-sight is 20/20

What did Medusa tell the perv before she turned him into stone?

My eyes are up here

I can cut down a tree just by looking at it

It's true, I saw it with my own eyes

What’s yellow and hurts if you get it in you eye?

A bulldozer

Dad called me a cunt

I always buy him socks for Xmas. I said, "you bastard, it's the thought that counts." I could tell by the look in his eyes he would have kicked my head in if he had legs

I’ll admit that Chinese kids in math class are pretty smart

But doing it with their eyes closed... that’s a bit cocky

So my mate was welding the other day

While grinding off his work to admire his craftsmanship, a piece of metal flew into his eye.

Score 1 for wearing safety glasses.

Anyway, he complained he couldn't see, so we packed him off down to the hospital.

After an X-ray and scan the doctor comes in and says "You have Creepy Teacher Syndrome"

"Creepy teacher Syndrome?"

"Yes," the doctor replies, "You've fucked one of your pupils"

Son told his dad he loves the girl next door

"Son, you can't love her. She's my secret daughter with another wife."

"But dad, what about the other girl next next door?"

"Sorry, son. She's also my secret daughter with the other wife."

Son walks away with tears in his eyes after knowing the truth. Mom heard it all and approaches to him

"Honey, you can love the girls next door if you want to. You're not your dad's son anyway."

I was at a restaurant and my waitress had a black eye

So I ordered really slow, because she obviously doesn't listen