Everyone jokes

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?

Ten-tickles.

I'm sorry, everyone.

The pilot gets ready for the flight

"Alright everyone, we will be taking off in a minute, please remain seated.", he says. After taking off, the pilot forgot the microphone on. "Know what I want now?", says the co-pilot, "a cup of coffee and a woman to suck my dick". Noticing the problem with the mic, one of the attendants bolts off to warn them. While she ran, someone on the back seats yells "Don't forget the coffee!"

A man walks into a gym and kills everyone there brutally

After the investigation, the police state that the victims could only be described as ripped and shredded

Most gun duels in the old west could have been prevented.

If only the city planners had made towns big enough for everyone.

Everyone says that China doesn't have any freedom of speech. That's obviously untrue.

In the United States, you can go up to the White House and shout "Down with America!", and you won't be punished for it.

Similarly, in China, you can go up to the Communist Party Headquarters and shout "Down with America!", and you won't be punished for it.

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Wanted to update an oldie but goodie to modern times.

Fuck Chuck Norris ..

If he is as strong and powerful as everyone states, I dare him to come to my house and bash my head in the keyboarddfrljkl;kjtpog496yasdfjknxirhsmfsjfigdjsyebxhsueyxbxjdobdbzhcvhsivdbdindgdyhdbisbdbdhbshhshsudjshgsidbbdhdydhdbksjdbdyyshdbuendheibdjdidn

Why aren't there any Calculus teachers in Little Rock, Arkansas?

Because everyone there hates integration.

I’m done being a people pleaser

If everyone’s ok with that

If everyone spells your sons name wrong...

Then you spelled your sons name wrong

I know taking your date to a forest isn't what everyone does...

But I'm into sappy stuff like that.

When I drink alcohol... Everyone says that I'm alcoholic

But When I drink Fanta... No one says I’m fantastic.

The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker among themselves, is that, they don't speak the same language.

For instance, take the simple phrase - Secure the building.

The Army would post guards around the place.

The Navy would turn out the lights and lock the doors.

The Marines would kill everyone inside and set up headquarters.

The Air Force would take out a five year lease with an option to buy.

What did the preacher say at the vegetable mass?

“Lettuce pray for peas on Earth.”

Then

“Why do I bother with puns, everyone here’s brain dead.”

I needed to go to the optometrist the other day, guess who I bumped into?

Everyone

What did Saint Patrick say when he drove all the snakes out of Ireland?

"Everyone got seat belts on back there?"

The boss tells one of his jokes and everyone burst out laughing in the office. Except for one guy.

When asked "Why didn't you laugh?" He responded " I don't work here"

Communist jokes aren’t funny

Unless everyone gets them

Today I was in the bank when two men came in wearing masks...

Everyone felt a huge relief when they told us it's only a bank robbery.

A chemist froze himself at -273.15°C, everyone said he was crazy....

....but he was 0K.

Why does everyone assume that just because I’m a 40 year old loser that I live in my parent’s basement?

My parents don’t have a basement. I live in my bedroom like a big boy.