Forest

A lumberjack goes into a forest to chop down a tree. "Wait," says the tree, "I'm a talking tree."

The lumberjack smiles and says, "And you will dialogue."

An atheist in the forest...

stumbles upon a bear. The bear rears up to attack and the atheist yells "oh god no!" time stops and he hears the voice of god say "you called for me my son?" the atheist responds "I would ask you to save me, but that would be hypocritical, so instead, can you make the bear a christian?" he hears "I shall do this for you my son". Time resumes and the bear stops, puts his paws together and says "God in the heavens.... thank you for this meal you have provided me with today, amen"

A joke I translated from Russian

A pauper is sitting by a road in medieval England. All of a sudden, Robin Hood comes out of the forest, throws a bag of gold at the pauper's feet and says, "I am Robin Hood. I take from the rich and give to the poor."

The pauper tears up, embraces Robin Hood and says, "I am finally rich." Robin Hood then stabs the pauper with his sword,

"I am Robin Hood. I take from the rich and give to the poor."

I know taking your date to a forest isn't what everyone does...

But I'm into sappy stuff like that.

The CIA, FBI, and the KGB are tasked with finding a rabbit in a forest...

The CIA show up after a few days and release a 6000 word article on the fact that rabbits don't exist.

The FBI show up with a dead rabbit and say in a press release "The rabbit had it coming."

The KGB show up with a bruised and beaten bear. The bear is forced to make a statement "I am a rabbit, my father was a rabbit, and my mother is a rabbit. My whole family are rabbits!" the bear disappears shortly after...

A man from France, a man from Britain, and a man from New York are on an expedition to the Amazon Forest. After a while, they get lost. As they are walking, suddenly the bushes jump up into the air, and men with spears are there. One man says, "Hey, you're in our sacred land. So what we are going to do is skin you and then use your flesh to make canoes. But we aren't that crazy so we will let you choose how you die." The man from France said, "Bring me the poison." The man from Britain said, "Bring me the gun." And the man from New York said, "Bring me a fork." The guy was confused with the fork but still brought the items and gave them to them. The guy from France said, "For France!" And drank the poison and died. The man from Britain said, "Long live the queen!" And shot himself and died. And the man from New York started stabbing himself with the fork and said, "MAKE A CANOE OUT OF THIS YOU FUCKERS!"

Two Mafia hit-men are walking deep into a forest in the middle of the night. One of them says: "I gotta admit I'm scared out here." The other replies: "You're scared... I gotta walk back alone!"

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it...

...then my illegal logging business is a success.

An 84 year old man to his doctor: My 24 year old wife is pregnant. Your opinion doctor?

Doctor: Let me tell you a story:

There was once a man with an umbrella walking through a forested area. Suddenly a leopard jumped in front of him. Too scared to do anything, the man holds up his umbrella against the leopard and tries to shoot. A loud bang is heard and the leopard dies on the spot.

Old man: That's impossible, somebody else must have shot the leopard!

Doctor: Exactly my point!