This pastor decided to skip church one sunday morning and go play golf.
He told his assistant that he wasn't feeling well. He drove to a golf course in another city, so nobody would know him.
He teed off on the first hole. A huge gust of wind caught his ball, carried is an extra hundred yards and dropped it right in the hole, for a 450 yard hole in one.
An angel looked at God and said "What'd you do that for?" God smiled and said "Who's he going to tell?"
I WON! I WON!
man comes rushing into his house, and yells to his wife: "honey, pack your bags! i won the lottery!!" the wife says: "oh my god! what should i pack for, the mountains or the beach?!?" the man replies: "i don't care, just get the fuck out!"
Stephen Hawking said there is no God. God said there is no Stephen Hawking.
I was walking in the park...
..and I saw a beautiful girl. I went up to her, spark flew, she fell at my feet and before I knew it we were having sex.
God do I love my new taser.
A toothbrush salesman at the mall
A toothbrush salesman is tasked with selling his product at the mall. So he sets up a small kiosk by the escalator with a bag of chips and cup of dip. A man and his wife walk up and the wife eats a chip and remarks about how good it is. The salesman says "you really must try the dip" And so the husband takes a scoop of dip on the chip and eats it. "Oh god! This dip tastes like shit!" The salesman quickly replies "it is shit! Wanna buy a toothbrush?"
My wife said to me the other day, "Why did God give women periods with cramp pains, and men nothing?"
I laughed and replied, "Don't be silly, he gave us women."
a Jewish grandma and her grandson are at the beach having a nice day
When out of nowhere, a huge wave comes and sweeps him out to sea.
She drops to her knees and pleads, "Please God, save my only grandchild. I beg of you, my life has no meaning without him. Please bring him back.
And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new.
She looks up to heaven and says: "He had a hat!"
After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, "what are you going to do now?"
God said,
"I think I'm going to call it a day."
As a plumber's assistant, I'm always being ordered around... "Stop that dripping, plug that leak, for God's sake... turn off the water works!"
It's not my fault, I'm just an emotional guy.
I saw a little kid crying yesterday, so I asked him where his parents were. God, I love working at an orphanage.
A man walks into a bar and orders three shots. "Long day?" the bartender asks. "Well... My oldest son just came out..." The man finishes the shots and leaves the bar. The next day, the man comes back and orders four shots. "What now?" the bartender asks. "My middle son just came out." The man finishes his drinks and leaves. He comes back the next day and orders five shots. "Again?" the bartender asks. "Yeah. My youngest son." He drinks his shots and leaves. The next day, he comes in again. This time, he orders ten shots. "My God! Is there anyone in your family that likes girls??" the bartender asks. "Yeah... My wife."
As a child my parents used to tell me about the Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy and Santa
I dont believe in those stories anymore, thank GOD
And verily, John said to the Lord, “The world shall end with Trumpets?”
God: No, I meant Trump/Pence.
John: Trumpets, got it.
God: No... ah, forget it.
I told my wife I saw someone fall under the bus today. She said, “Oh my God, was it moving?”
I said, “A few people were crying, but I was fine.”
Doctor just told a nun that she is pregnant.
Nun: "Doctor, you can't be serious - I haven't had sex with a man even once in my entire life! I am saving myself for God!"
Doc: "Sorry, but the tests show undoubtedly that you are pregnant..."
Nun leaves the doctor in anger and bursts back into church shouting: "Ok, who in the name of the God HAD CUM ONTO THE CANDLES!!!"
My priest told a joke during his homily today.
A man says to God, "God, how long is a thousand years to you?"
God says, "A thousand years to me is like a second to you."
"Oh. God, how much is a million dollars to you?"
"A million dollars to me is like a penny to you."
"Oh. God, can I have one of your pennies?"
"Sure thing. Just hold on a second."
Father’s Day Presents..
5 year old son.....after reading story of a king.....
Son:......Mom, I also want 3 wives.....one will cook, one will sing, one will bathe me.......
Mom:....And which one will put you to sleep
Son:..No mom, i will still sleep with you....Mom's eyes filled up with tears ... God bless you son
Mom:...but who will sleep with your 3 wives
Son:....Let them sleep with daddy...
Daddy's eyes filled up with tears... God bless you son !
*Happy Father’s Day!*
If I was god I would be an atheist
Because I do not believe in myself
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion
and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
Guy runs into a bar, yells "Quick! How tall is a penguin?"
Bartender says "Three feet tall."
Guy says "Oh my God! I just ran over a nun!"