Donald Trump is receiving a CoViD-19 briefing in the Oval Office.
The head of the CDC tells the president that today 14 Brazilian people have died from the virus.
Trump shouts “Oh my GOD!” and slams his head down in his hands on the Resolute Desk. He begins to weep.
After a minute or so, he collects himself, looks up from his desk, and asks his advisors, “How many is a ‘brazillion?’”
A ship was sinking...
The captain of the ship gathers all passengers on deck and asks the crowd: "Does anyone here know how to say prayers".
A priest steps forward: "I can" he says with some pride in his voice. "Actually, I used to say the best prayers in the monastery, and they would be answered by God too" he continues boastfully.
"Great" answers the captain, "We're one life jacket short, so you say prayers, me and the crew are gonna rescue the rest of passengers by the life jackets".
An Atheist...
Walks up to the Pearly Gates. God says, "I will let you in if you can make me laugh."
The Atheist asks, "who is the greatest Jewish baker of all time? Hitler. He made over 60,000 Jews toast."
God looks at him and says, "A holocaust joke? That is not really funny."
The atheist replied, "Eh, I guess you should have been there."
One day, a husband said to his wife, “I don’t know how you got to be so beautiful and so dumb at the same time.”
The wife responded, “Allow me to explain...” “God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me. He made me dumb so I would be attracted to you.”
Jesus to the Jews:
I am the son of God.
Jews: No way...
Jesus: Yahweh.
A farm worker greets Josef Stalin at his potato farm...
“Comrade Stalin, we have so many potatoes that, piled one on top of the other, they would reach all the way to God,” the farmer excitedly tells his leader.
“But God does not exist,” replies Stalin.
“Exactly,” says the farmer. “Neither do the potatoes.”
Two little boys were known troublemakers, stealing everything they could get their hands, even from the church.
One day a priest stopped one of the boys and asked, "Where is God?" The boy shrugged and the priest repeated, "Where is God?" The boy ran out of the cathedral crying to his home where he hid in a closet. Eventually his brother found him and asked, "What's wrong?" The crying boy replied, "We're in trouble now! God is missing and they think we took him.
My buddy questioned, "How do you get so many girls into bed with you?" I laughed, "Easy, I just do what Arnold Schwarzenegger does." Puzzled, he asked, "What, work out all day and look like a Greek God?"
"No, I pull out a shotgun and say, 'Come with me if you want to live'."
An elderly couple goes to annual check up together
During the exam husband starts explaining how he and God have an arrangement. "You see, if I need to take a leak during the night I simply go to the bathroom and God turns on the light for me." Doctor nods but of course he finds that a bit strange. So he brings up the issue with the wife, explaining what husband told him. Wife is shocked: "Oh bloody hell, he's been pissing in the fridge again!"
I told god a Holocaust joke. He didn't laugh.
after a moment of awkward silence, I said: "Well I guess you should have been there".
An Elderly Couple are at home...
An elderly couple were at home watching TV. Phil had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel. Sally became more and more annoyed and finally said, "For God's sake, Phil... leave it on the porn channel... you know how to fish!"
My girlfriend treats me like God.
She takes no notice of my existence till she wants something.
A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian...."
The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"
Thank god for nipples
Without it, boobs would be pointless.
I had a dream I was drowning in an ocean of orange soda
Thank god it was only a Fanta sea
What did God say after creating the first digestive system?
Shit just got real.
God: *creates worm* Hey there little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome
God: *creates birds*
A holocaust survivor dies of old age. When she goes to heaven she tells god a holocaust joke.
God responds “I don’t find that funny”
The survivor replies “I guess you had to be there”
Courtesy of Ricky Gervais in “Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee”