A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Jeff proposed to me an hour ago."
"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.
"Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a hell."
Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."
Joe was standing in line at the bank...
... and noticed the man in front of him looked a bit tense. Joe began to give the man a shoulder rub.
The man turns around furiously and says "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING".
In a confused look, Joe says: you looked a bit tense and since I'm a masseuse, I thought I'd try to help you out.
The man looks at him and says: Yea? I'm a lawyer, you don't see me fucking the guy in front of me!
A gamer dies and goes to hell...
After one week, the devil goes to God:
\- God?! What crazy person have you send me here? He destroyed all the cauldrons, killed all demons, running like crazy everywhere and yelling: "Where is the exit to LEVEL 2!!!"
Why is Stephen Hawking going to hell?
Because it's a stairway to heaven, not a ramp.
During sex with my wife,
I suddenly stopped and didn't move. She said "What the hell are you doing?"
And I was like "Hush, I saw this on Pornhub, it's called buffering."
A man went into a tattoo parlor and asked to have a fifty dollar bill tattooed on his dick. The tattoo artist said, “I’ve had some strange requests but this one tops the lot. Why in the hell would you want me to tattoo your prick a picture of a banknote?”
The man replied, “There are three reasons.
One, I love to play with my money.
Two, when I play with my money, I love to see it grow.
Three, and this is the most important of all, the next time my wife wants to blow fifty bucks, she won’t have to leave the house!”
A guy is sitting in a bar drinking.
After some couple of drinks he tries to stand up and he falls. He crawls to the door of the bar and tries to stand up and he falls again, he crawls until he reaches the door in his house and he tries to stand but then for the third time he falls again. He then decides to knock on the door while he is on the ground. His wife opens the door and surprised she asks him, "Where the hell did you leave your wheelchair?"
A guy walks into a bar and takes a seat. Before he can order a beer, the bowl of pretzels in front of him says "Hey, you're a handsome fellow."
The man tries to ignore the bowl of pretzels, and orders a fine Pilsner beer.
The bowl of pretzels then says "Ooooh, a pilsner, great choice. You're a smart man."
Starting to freak out, the guy says to the bartender "Hey what the hell, this bowl of pretzels keeps saying nice things to me!"
Bartender says "Don't worry about it, the pretzels are complimentary."
A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get the Hell out
As he walked to the door she yelled, "And I hope you die a long slow, and very painful death He turned around and said, "So, you want me to fucking stay?"
Superman is flying around the city, feeling horny as hell.
He suddenly spots Wonder Woman lying naked on top of a building with her legs spread apart.
He thinks, “This is my chance!” and swoops down faster than a speeding bullet, fucks her deep and hard and is gone in the blink of an eye.
Wonder Woman sits up and says, “What the hell was that?”
The Invisible Man rolls off her and says, “I have no idea but my fucking asshole hurts like hell!”
A man walks into a bar with a gun
And shouts, "Who the hell fucked my wife?!" A man in the back replied "You haven't got enough bullets mate!"
Old joke about heaven and hell
Heaven is where the police are British, the cooks are French, and the auto mechanics are German.
Hell is where the police are German, the cooks are English, and the auto mechanics are French.
A man wakes up after a heavy night of drinking to his wife happily cooking breakfast.
Confused, he approaches his daughter for an explanation of last night when he arrived home. "You kicked in the door when you couldn't get your key in the lock, fell through the table and broke it, and pissed your pants." "Jesus! So then why the hell is she in such a good mood?" "When she tried to take your pants off to wash them, you slapped her hand away and said, 'Get your hands off me! I'm married!'"
The CEO of Valve walks into a bar with two of his associates...
The bartender asks “What can I get for you?”
The CEO responds “We’ll have one drink and two drinks please.”
The bartender replies “So three drinks?”
“What the hell is three?”
Wonder Woman
Superman and Flash are on the roof of a tall building, and they see Wonder Woman, naked, with her legs wide open, on the roof of the building next door.
Flash says to Superman, "I bet I could run over to her, have sex with her, and run off before she notices me." Superman agrees, and Flash runs over, has rough and fast sex with her, and runs off.
Wonder Woman feels a breeze and goes, "What the hell was that?" and the Invisible Man goes, "I don't know, but damn does my ass hurt."
I just walked in on my manager vigorously masturbating.
He told me to stop vigorously masturbating and get the hell out of his office.
My mate Paddy called me last night.
He said, "My dog had nine puppies 12 weeks ago and now apparently they are worth £600 each."
"Fucking hell, mate." I said, "Drinks are on you then!"
He said, "I'm not selling them."
"Why not?" I asked.
"Well," he said, "If they're worth £600 each now, can you imagine what they'll be worth in 10 years?"
A man dies and goes to Hell.
Satan greets him and says, "Welcome to hell, Dave. First, the Wi-fi password is..."
Dave says, "Wait, you guys have wi-fi?"
Satan replies, "Of course we do."
"That's certainly not bad at all" says Dave.
Satan continues, "So, as I was saying, the wi-fi password is the number pi"
Doctor, how can I live 100 years?
Man: Doctor, how can I live to be 100 years old?
Doctor: Well, do you smoke cigarettes or do any type of drugs?
Man: Nope
Doctor: Do you eat a lot of junk food?
Man: Nope
Doctor: Do you sleep around without using protection?
Man: Nope
Doctor: Then why the hell do you want to live to be 100 years old?
Little Johnny was eating dinner with his family. His mother went around the table and asked, "Mark, what would you like to eat?" Mark said, "I'd like some fucking potatoes." SMACK! Mother slapped Mark. She then asked Suzie, "What would you like to eat?" "Well, I'd like some fucking potatoes," said Suzie SMAACK! She slapped Suzie. "Ok. Johnny, what would you like to eat?" "Well.... I sure as hell don't want no fucking potatoes."
My grandfather started walking 5 miles a day when he was 60
Now he's 97 and we have no idea where the hell he is
Sherlock Holmes and his partner are walking in the woods...
...they happen upon a tree bearing yellow fruit. Watson asks, "What the hell is that?", Sherlock responds, "A lemon tree my dear Watson."
Three babies in the womb discuss what they would like to be when they grow up. The first one says, “I wanna be a plumber, so I can fix the pipes in here.” The second one says, “I wanna be an electrician, so I can get some lights in here.” The third one says, “I wanna be a boxer.” The others look confused and ask, “Why do you want to be a boxer?” He proudly replies, “So I can beat the hell out of that rude bald guy who keeps coming in here and spitting on us.”
A guy is sitting home alone, when suddenly he hears a knock on the door.
He gets up to answer. There are two policemen outside. They ask him if he's married. He says yes and the policemen want to see the photo of the wife. He gets one and shows it to them. The policemen exchange sad looks and one of them says: "I'm very sorry, but it looks like your wife was hit by a truck." "Yeah I guess, but she's got a great sense of humor and cooks a hell of a brisket."
Beer must contain Estrogen...
When I drink enough, I can't drive or shut the hell up.