A woman is golfing with some friends.
After sinking her first putt, she's on her way down the path to the second tee when she gets stung by a bee. She rushes the short distance back to the clubhouse, hoping to find a doctor.
She bumps into the resident golf pro, who says, "What can I help you with?"
The woman tells him she's been stung by a bee.
The pro asks, "Oh really, where?"
The lady replies, "Between the first and second hole."
To that the golf pro states, "Well, first of all, your stance is way too wide."
A man answers his door and finds a piano tuner waiting on the step. 'Can I help' says the man 'I haven't ordered a piano tuner'
'I know you haven't' replies the piano tuner 'Your neighbours did for you'
Little Timmy was annoyed by his father
because whenever he was ahead in an argument, his father would just say - Whatever dude, I fucked your mum.
And he couldn't think of a good comeback, so he asked his Uncle Jim for help.
Uncle Jim said - Well, next time he say this to you, you say that I've been deeper in her than he ever could.
So the next time his father made the same comment Little Timmy very loudly said - Uncle Jim has been deeper in her than you ever could.
A man is doing a crossword and asks his wife for help.
Husband: Body of water, three letters.
Wife: Bay.
Husband: Flying insect with stinger, three letters.
Wife: Bee.
Husband: To hush someone, four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Husband: Boat Noah built, three letters.
Wife: Ark.
Husband: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO
I gave my Ex a taste of her own medicine.
My ex's car broke down and she called to ask for help.
I went out and took a look at and left without telling her what was wrong.
During OJ Simpson's First Trial, He and his lawyer are in the bathroom...
they are both standing at the urinals and the lawyer can't help but notice that OJ has Nicole tattooed onto his dick, he leans over and says "Between you and me, I know you killed your wife, so why did you have her name tattooed onto your dick?"
OJ answers "Just because she is dead, doesn't mean I can't beat her."
I heard a guy at the beach screaming, "HELP! SHARK! HELP!"
I just laughed. I knew that Shark wasn't going to help him.
Saw an amputee in the gym today..
Couldn't help but wonder if he skips on leg day.
A woman goes to the doctor. “Please help. Every time I sneeze I have an orgasm.”
The doctor says “are you taking anything for it?”
The woman says “Yes. Pepper.”
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses
He's not breathing and his eyes are glazed, so his friend calls 911.
"My friend is dead! What should I do?"
The operator replies, "Calm down, sir. I can help. First make sure that he's dead."
There's a silence, then a loud bang. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?"
A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me; I think I’m shrinking.”
“Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You’re just going to have to be a little patient.”
There are three men, Nobody, No-one and Stupid.
They were on a fishing trip in Canada when the first fell in the river, and began to drown, as he had never learned to swim as a child.
The second stayed behind to help rescue him from the river.
The third ran to the nearest police station and explained the situation to the first police officer he saw.
"Officer! Come quickly, Nobody is drowning in the river and No-one is helping him!"
"Are you stupid?" Asked the officer
"I am, yes, nice to meet you."
Two kids were beating up a kid in an alley, so I stepped in to help. He didn't stand a chance against the three of us.
I saw a kid being beat up by 4 adults and tried to help.
Kid couldn't stand for long against 5 adults.
What’s an example of a palindrome?
Daughter: What's an example of a palindrome?
Dad: Mom.
Daughter: Ugh. Fine. Mom, what's an example of a palindrome?
Mom: Dad.
Daughter: OHMYGOD WHY WON'T YOU GUYS HELP ME
A Blonde and Condoms
The most beautiful blonde woman you've ever seen walks into the drugstore. She walks to the pharmacy and asks if they sell Extra-Large condoms, the cashier says yes and points her down aisle 11. About 30 minutes go by and the pharmacist notices that the blonde is still looking at the condoms. He decides to see if she needs any help. He says, "Did you find the extra large condoms?" She responds, "Yes, now I'm just waiting for someone to buy some."
My friend's worried he's addicted to playing guitar
I told him not to fret but he says he can't help it
What has 6 eyes, 16 tentacles and quacks like a duck?
I don't know either but it's in my kitchen please help.
Doctor: *looking through microscope* I've never seen anything like it before
Other doctors: *under their breath* its truly incredible
Me: so viagra won't help?
A 13 year old boy has difficulty with mathematics, failing in public school.
His parents were not religious but after a friend's suggestion they felt a private Catholic school may be more effective. His grades began to rise dramatically after this switch. Asked what has helped him so much, he responded
"When I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant business!"
