Blowjobs do not relieve headaches
The other day, I had an astoundingly painful headache and I couldn't help but complain about it to my girlfriend. She surprised me by saying, "Ya know, blowjobs can be a natural cure for a headache..." So, I thought it was worth a shot. But that day I learned my girlfriend is damned a liar. I sucked three dicks and my head still fucking hurt.
What are the two biggest lies when working for a large corporation?
"Hello. I'm from the head office and I'm here to help you"
"Welcome. We're glad to have you"
A farmer shoves his hand up his cows rear end...
And rubs the poop on his chapped lips
His son asks “does that help your chapped lips?”
The farmer replied “no, but it stops me from licking them.”
Professor X: what's your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that's not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
Guy walks into a bar
And orders 6 shots, and drinks them one after the other
Bartender says "what's the occasion?"
Guy says " my first blowjob"
Bartender "in that case let me buy you another"
Guy " if the first 6 don't get the taste out of my mouth, I don't think another would help"
So I was at the bank today and this old lady asked me to help check her balance.
Well I was not very impressed, she fell over on the first try.
When it's hot, my wife really likes us to blow on each other to help keep cool, but I'll be honest...
I'm not a fan.
Never thought a foot doctor would help...
...now I stand corrected.
A woman calls 911 and paramedics rush her unconscious husband to the hospital She limps into the ER as the nurses wheel him in on a stretcher,
his enormous erection clearly visible under the sheet. The doctor runs some tests and says to her "Ma'am, it appears your husband overdosed on Viagra and is in a coma. How long has he been like this?"
"About 4 days" she replies
"4 days?! Why did you wait until now to get help?"
"I ran out of lube this morning"
“Doctor, please help, my friend broke his leg.”
“Sorry, but I’m a vet, I specialize in horses.”
“Come on, please, it can’t be that big of a difference?”
“Ok fine, just let me get my rifle from the car.”
No joke, Dubai spent billions on a bunch of man-made islands and they are now sinking.
I guess all the money in the world can't help erect-isle dysfunction
I asked my wife, “I’m stuck on this crossword clue “Overworked Postman”— can you help?”
She said, “Sure. How many letters?”
Me: I’m guessing—- Too many.
Just saw a couple of dudes trying to grab an old lady's purse so I ran over to help.
We got it off her eventually
Louis CK helped me change a flat tire.
All I had to do was watch him jack it.
Help! I made my computer racist!
I accidentally pressed alt-right.
My date started choking last night so I quickly pulled my cock out.
"How's that going to help?" asked the waiter.
I just read somewhere that capitalization is the difference between "I helped my uncle Jack off a horse" and "i helped my uncle jack off a horse".
Well that's embarrassing. Now everyone thinks my uncle's name is Jack.
An Eskimos car breaks down and a man from New Zealand pulls over to help him out. He has a look under the bonnet and says “looks like you’ve blown a seal” the Eskimo replies
“So what you f**k sheep”
Today my son told me he wanted to go help blind people after school...
The verb, not the adjective.
I've found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters.
It's shift work