Hospital jokes

The p‌‌olice c‌‌alled t‌‌o t‌‌ell m‌‌e t‌‌hat m‌‌y w‌‌ife w‌‌as i‌‌n t‌‌he h‌‌ospital.

"How i‌‌s s‌‌he?", I‌‌ a‌‌sked.

"Very c‌‌ritical", r‌‌eplied t‌‌he o‌‌fficer.

"The f‌‌uck i‌‌s s‌‌he c‌‌omplaining a‌‌bout n‌‌ow?"

What’s the difference between a children’s hospital and an ISIS training camp?

I dunno, I just fly the drones

My girlfriend is cheating on me with a doctor.

Yesterday, I found out my girlfriend is cheating on me with the primary doctor at her hospital. So from now on, I’ll be giving her an apple for lunch everyday. That oughta do the trick.

I got fired on the first day of my new job at the hospital

Apparently telling all the COVID patients to stay positive is not a good thing.

Oh, sure. My friend donates a kidney to the City Hospital, and he's treated like some hero.

I donate five kidneys and I get arrested.

"Push harder" I shouted at my wife while she was in labor...

"Screw you" she screamed back at me.

Bit harsh I thought...... it wasn't my fault the car broke down on the way to the hospital!

My favourite joke ever

So a woman is in the hospital, having just given birth to twins. The midwife appears at her side and gravely says that she has some good news and some bad news. The woman asks for her to get the bad news out of the way. "Well," the midwife says, "unfortunately one of the children is ginger". The Mother laughs and says, "Well then, whats the good news?" "Its dead", the midwife says.

So my mate was welding the other day

While grinding off his work to admire his craftsmanship, a piece of metal flew into his eye.

Score 1 for wearing safety glasses.

Anyway, he complained he couldn't see, so we packed him off down to the hospital.

After an X-ray and scan the doctor comes in and says "You have Creepy Teacher Syndrome"

"Creepy teacher Syndrome?"

"Yes," the doctor replies, "You've fucked one of your pupils"

A dying husband in a hospital bed asks his wife, "Our seventh child always looked different from the other six. Did he have a different father?"

His wife, crying uncontrollably answers, "Yes."

He asks, "Whose is it?"

His wife replies, "Yours!"

How I learned to miknd my own business:

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were yelling "13...13...13..."

The fence was too high for me to see over but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.

Someone poked me in the eye with a stick and then they all started shouting "14... 14... 14..."!

Teacher: Why are you late?

Student: My dad is in the hospital

*1 week later*

Teacher: Is your dad still in the hospital?

Student: Yes, he is a doctor

After 10years a wife started to think their child looks kinda strange so she did a DNA test and found out the child is not theirs, she told her husband what she found out.

The husband replied, you don't remember do you? When we were leaving the hospital the baby pooped and you told me to go and change him so I went inside got a clean one and left the dirty one there.

What do you do when you finish a magazine at a hospital? Reload and keep shooting.

My son called me today, telling me he was in the hospital....

I told him to stop letting me know. He’s been a doctor for 12 years.

one man six horses.

a man was hospitalized with six plastic horses inside him. The doctor described his condition as stable.

"I'll do whatever I can for my constituents"

A politician visited a remote little rural village and asked the inhabitants what the government could do for them.

"We have two big needs," said the village headman. "First, we have a hospital but no doctor."

The politician whipped out his cellphone, spoke for a while, and then said, "I have it sorted out. A doctor will arrive here tomorrow. What is your other need?"

"We have no cellphone reception at all in our village."

Oh my goodness. First my wife is in hospital, and now my daughter!

Then again...

I guess that's just how childbirth works.

A woman calls 911 and paramedics rush her unconscious husband to the hospital She limps into the ER as the nurses wheel him in on a stretcher,

his enormous erection clearly visible under the sheet. The doctor runs some tests and says to her "Ma'am, it appears your husband overdosed on Viagra and is in a coma. How long has he been like this?"

"About 4 days" she replies

"4 days?! Why did you wait until now to get help?"

"I ran out of lube this morning"

What Christmas song do they play at the mental hospital?

Do you see what I see?

A politician visited a village in India

A politician visited an Indian village and asked what their needs were. ”We have 2 basic needs sir,” replied the villager. “Firstly, we have a hospital, but there’s no doctor.”

On hearing this, the politician whipped out his cellphone, and after speaking for a while he reassured the village leader that the doctor would be there the next day. He then asked about the second problem.

“Secondly sir, there is no cellphone coverage anywhere in the village.”