A guy gets a call from his Doctor...
The Doctor says "I have your test results back. I've got bad news and worse news."
The guy says "What's the bad news?"
The Doctor says "You have 24 hours to live."
The guy says "That's terrible! What could be worse than that?"
The Doctor says "I forgot to call you yesterday."
A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Jeff proposed to me an hour ago."
"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.
"Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a hell."
Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."
Soviet Curfew
A man in Moscow is walking home after his day at work and he walks past a security checkpoint. One of the guards calls to him and tells him to stop, but he takes off running. The guard raises his rifle, takes aim, and shoots him dead in the street. The other guard stares at him.
“What did you do that for?” he asks.
“Curfew violation,” the other guard says.
“Curfew violation? Curfew isn’t for another half hour!”
“I know. That’s my friend. I know where he lives. He never would have made it.”
Smoking marijuana has imbued me with cat-like abilities.
For example, just one brightly colored piece of paper can now entertain me for hours.
Two ducks are having an affair.
hey rent a hotel room for an hour, but the male duck forgot contraception. He calls down to room service.
“Got it,” says the front desk, “and would you like these on your bill?”
“Of course not,” the duck says. “I’d suffocate.”
Astronomers got tired after watching the moon go around the earth for 24 hours...
So they decided to call it a day
Did you know semen leaves the body at almost thirty miles per hour?
This means it's illegal to ejaculate in a school zone.
I don't think the speed was why I was arrested though.
There's something crazy I really want to try in bed..
Getting 8 hours of sleep
The headmistress at my exclusive girl’s college was lecturing us on Sexual morality...... “In moments of temptation,” she said to the class, “ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?”
She got so furious when I got up and asked “How do you make it last an hour?”
My boss showed up to work in a brand new Bentley
I complimented him on the quality of his ride. He said “well son if you work hard and put in those extra hours, in a few years I’ll get another.”
Fishing secret
A guy is out ice fishing and he hasn't had a bite in hours, but the fellow next to him is pulling in fish after fish. Exasperated, the man finally approached the successful fisherman to find his secret. "What's your secret buddy, I mean you've been pulling in fish left and right all day long." "Ooo gahh takee darmns orm" the guy says. "What??" "Ooo gahh takee darmns orm" "I’m sorry, I just can't understand you." "Oh...," he says and spits something in his hand. "You've got to keep the worms warm."
Trump was out walking on a beautiful snowy day, when he saw that somebody had urinated on the White House lawn to spell out "The President Sucks."
Infuriated, Trump called on the secret service to figure out who had done it. In a few hours, they came to him and told him that there was some bad news and some worse news.
"The bad news is that the urine is from Putin."
"Vlad? How could he do this to me? What could be worse than this?"
"The handwriting's is Melania's."
In the words of Bill Murray...
An Irish man knocks on the door of an old lady, he says he's broke and looking for work. The old lady says "Sure, I'll pay you to paint my porch." So she gives the Irish man some paint and he leaves.
One hour later the man comes back, "Are you already done?" the lady asked, "Aye." said the Irish man, "But it's not a porch it's a Mazda."
A guy is laying in bed with his mistress...
- Shouldn't your husband be coming soon? Cause I'd rather not see him, he's my best friend after all... - Don't worry, he won't be here before an hour.
At that moment, the phone rings. The woman answers : "Hi honey. Ok honey, yes honey. Bye Honey"
She hangs up and turns towards her lover :
- It was my husband, he'll be an hour late. He's playing pool with you.
People are complaining that games are too short but
New Battlefront has 4500 hours of gameplay and people are still complaining!
A man was in bed with his Thai girlfriend.
After having great sex, she spent the next hour just stroking his penis, something she had lovingly done on many occasions.
Rather enjoying it, he turns and asked her, "Why do you love doing that?"
She replied: "Because I really miss mine".
A father says to his son, "Son, you're adopted."
Son: "What? That's not funny, dad."
Dad: "Yup, pack your stuff, they'll be here in an hour."
I spent a few hours at my wife's grave today.
She thinks I'm digging a pool.
Washing Machine
Husband and wife decide to make a password for sex, they decide on ‘washing machine’. Later in bed that night husband says, “Washing machine.” Wife replies, “Not tonight darling I have a headache.” Half an hour passes and she feels guilty so she says, “Washing machine.” Husband replies, “Too late it was only a small load so I decided to do it by hand.”
A group of chess enthusiasts check into a hotel...
They stand in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager comes out of his office and asks them to disperse. "But why?" they asked as they move off. "Because," he says, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
A worker in Russia has been standing in a liquor line for hours....
He grows tired of waiting around for so long, so he suddenly says to his friends around him “That’s it, I cannot take this anymore, please hold my place in line, I am going to shoot Putin.” They agree to hold his place and he walks off hastily.
Two hours later the worker returns. One of his friends asks him “Well, did you do it?” The worker says, “No, the line there was much longer than the line here.”
Back in the days of the USSR, two men stood in a block-long line for cucumbers...
Suddenly one of them snaps, and yells "This is an outrage! Waiting for hours for a couple of lousy cucumbers! I'm going to the Kremlin to assassinate the fools responsible for this!" and stomps off. A couple hours later, he's back. One of the other people in line asks "Did you kill the guy in the Kremlin?" The first guy responds "You think *this* line is long?"
After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, "what are you going to do now?"
God said,
"I think I'm going to call it a day."
So Putin is woken up at 02:30 in the morning.
"Vladimir Vladimirovich, the Ukrainians want to discuss the terms of surrender." says Putin's secretary.
Putin sits up on his bed and says: "Great, give me my phone, I'll call Zelinsky."
The secretary answers: "That won't be necessary, they are standing behind the door. Also, they gave us an hour."
I had sex for 3 hours last night. We role played as doctor and patient.....
I was in the waiting room for 2hrs 57minutes