A worker in Russia has been standing in a liquor line for hours....
He grows tired of waiting around for so long, so he suddenly says to his friends around him “That’s it, I cannot take this anymore, please hold my place in line, I am going to shoot Putin.” They agree to hold his place and he walks off hastily.
Two hours later the worker returns. One of his friends asks him “Well, did you do it?” The worker says, “No, the line there was much longer than the line here.”
Back in the days of the USSR, two men stood in a block-long line for cucumbers...
Suddenly one of them snaps, and yells "This is an outrage! Waiting for hours for a couple of lousy cucumbers! I'm going to the Kremlin to assassinate the fools responsible for this!" and stomps off. A couple hours later, he's back. One of the other people in line asks "Did you kill the guy in the Kremlin?" The first guy responds "You think *this* line is long?"
After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, "what are you going to do now?"
God said,
"I think I'm going to call it a day."
So Putin is woken up at 02:30 in the morning.
"Vladimir Vladimirovich, the Ukrainians want to discuss the terms of surrender." says Putin's secretary.
Putin sits up on his bed and says: "Great, give me my phone, I'll call Zelinsky."
The secretary answers: "That won't be necessary, they are standing behind the door. Also, they gave us an hour."
I had sex for 3 hours last night. We role played as doctor and patient.....
I was in the waiting room for 2hrs 57minutes
My little daughter came to me all excited, saying, “Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I’ll be this June!”
I chuckled, “Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?” She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers.
It’s now three hours later, the police are annoyed and she *still* won’t say where she got them!
A boyfriend and girlfriend die at the same time and go to heaven
They go up to see St. Peter on the pearly gates. They ask him “Can we get married in heaven?”
St. Peter says “Hold on, I’ll check.”
The couple wait 72 hours and then finally St. Peter comes back and says “Yes, you can get married in heaven.”
The couple then asks “What about a divorce?”
St. Peter replies “I just spent 3 days finding a minister. Do you have any idea how long it’s gonna take to find a lawyer?”
A nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after a 2 back to back 12 hour shifts. She grabs a deposit slip, pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse, and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the surprised teller and, without missing a beat, says, "Well that's just great! Some asshole's got my pen!"
The village blacksmith was glad to have finally found an apprentice that did not mind the long hours and was willing to work hard.
He instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.”The apprentice did just as he was told.
And now he’s the village blacksmith.
Teacher: "Use the word 'centimeter' in a sentence"
Student: "My grandma was arriving at the train station so i was centimeter."
Teacher: "No, no, that's 'Sent to meet her'. Okay, try another one. Use 'contagious' in a sentence please."
Student: "I had to wait at the train station for hours because it took that contagious!"
"Students nowadays are so clueless", the math professor complains to a colleague.
"Yesterday, a student came to my office hours and wanted to know if General Calculus was a Roman war hero..."
3 guys bet on who can make their wife scream more from sex
They make the bet and decide to all go home and have sex with their wives and compare results the next day.
Next day comes along and they meet to discuss. Guy #1 says “I fucked my wife so hard, she was screaming for like 20 minutes.”
Guy #2 says “that’s nothing. I fucked my wife with a dildo in her ass at the same time and she was screaming for an hour!”
Guy #3 says “amateurs! I fucked my wife for 15 seconds, came on the curtains, and she’s still screaming at me!”
I had sex for an hour and 20 seconds today...
Thank you daylight savings time.
Ordered a Chinese earlier in the day. The Chinese driver pulls up and walks to the door. I walked out to meet him and he started shouting, "Isolate isolate!"
I said, "Calm down dude, you're not that late. I only ordered it half an hour ago!"
Sent to Jail.
After getting sent to jail, I spent the next hour being held face down over a table and getting violently fucked up the arse.
Sometimes I think my uncle Brian takes Monopoly a bit too seriously...
Jeff Bezos is informed about the passing away of a warehouse worker on a Sunday after working continuously for 12 hours leaving behind a wife and 2 young kids
“Let’s make sure his hard work and sacrifice are not wasted....”
Jeff Bezos orders his subordinates
“Find someone who can finish the remaining 2 hours of his shift”
What's the difference between a joke and a repost???
...about two hours.
I just had an orgasm that lasted six hours
It’s been a long time coming
When my employer asked if I had a criminal record...
...I guess "highest number of robberies in an hour" wasn't the answer he was looking for.
Two cowboys are riding out when the spot an Indian laying down with his ear to the ground.
Approaching him, one Cowboy says “Look here. These Indians can track wagons from miles away. You there, what can you tell about the closest wagon train?”
The Indian says “Large Conestoga wagon, father, mother, three daughters, headed due west at around ten miles per hour”.
“Wow!” Exclaimed the cowboys in unison. “You can tell all that by listening to the ground?”
“Nuh-uh. Ran over me half an hour ago”.